


Average Kind of Bond

by BiancaMae



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor Lives AU, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slurs, Suicide Attempt, connor is gay, evan is bi, gonna take a while to get there but it's gonna be gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:19:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiancaMae/pseuds/BiancaMae
Summary: What if Connor survived his suicide attempt?Connor lives AU where Connor and Evan become friends. Eventual slash.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends! This is my first fic here and my first DEH story, yay! I apologise for any mistakes, my mental health issues have a pretty major impact on my concentration and I don't have a beta so I'm just doing my best! Hope you enjoy, looking forward to writing this one!

Connor Murphy quickly learned that it was better to try and kill yourself by hanging than any other method, because it gave you a great excuse not to speak to anyone when you woke up. The doctors told him that he should refrain from speaking for a couple of days, as his trachea had been through significant trauma and needed time to heal. The mark around his neck was ugly, but if it meant not explaining anything to his family, he didn't care too much. 

His family were reacting enough to the whole thing without needing to hear the specifics from his mouth anyway. Mrs Murphy's eyeliner seemed to have been replaced by permanent red rings around her eyes from near constant crying, and Mr Murphy's two day old shirt was stained with coffee in three seperate places. When one of them wasn't sitting in a chair next to Connor's hospital bed, holding his hand or smoothing out the blanket across his chest, Zoe could be found curled up in a chair in the back of the room, occasionally looking over the top of 'Flowers For Algernon' to check on her brother at her parents request. 

One afternoon a few days after the 'incident' as Mrs Murphy had started calling Connor's attempt (which was always met with an eye roll from Zoe and a sudden coughing fit from Mr Murphy) his family had all gone home to eat dinner together, trying to maintain some form of normalcy. Connor was regretfully starting to feel real things again, not just whatever the drugs they were pumping into him wanted him to feel. A psychiatrist joined Connor alone in his room and made him talk; because everyone knew Connor was able to talk by now, but also didn't want to ask him to in case he had another meltdown.

"I already said, I don't want to talk about it, I'm fine now and just want to go home," Connor repeated to the doctor after he persisted in asking for the third time 'why?' All Connor wanted was to get home and avoid everyone. The hospital psych ward after a suicide attempt was a special sort of hell for people who didn't manage to get there the first time. 

"Connor, I know it's difficult, but until we get some answers..." the doctor trailed off, trying to make eye contact as Connor strategically moved his hair to rest in front of his eyes.

"I've been told you were using drugs right up to your attempt?" he started again, clearing their throat and sitting up a bit so as to get Connor's attention.

"Whoever told you that was lying. Was it Zoe? Of course it was Zoe. I don't 'use drugs.' I smoke pot. It's a fucking plant."

The doctor nodded and made a note on the clipboard resting on his knee. 

"How long have you been smoking marijuana?"

Connor ran a hand through his hair and rolled his eyes. "I don't know, since tenth grade, maybe...I get down, okay?"

Another nod and another note.

"You say you get down. How long have you been experiencing these feelings? Your parents said this isn't the first time this has happened."

There was a time he hadn't felt like this, he knew there had to be. He couldn't remember it on a good day, but especially not now. It probably started sometime in his early teens; teenagers weren't kind, and Connor Murphy-who-threw-a-printer-at-Mrs-G was a reputation that carried to high school. 

High school was having the guy who sat behind him grabbing a handful of his hair and cutting it off, teachers asking if he was really Zoe Murphy's older brother, boys noticing his nails painted with the polish he stole from Zoe's room and calling him 'faggot' and 'queer.' 

So he told his mother something wasn't right. She organised appointments for him, and he saw a doctor who prescribed low dosage anti-depressants and started fortnightly appointments with a therapist. A chemical imbalance, they said. 

It didn't take long for Connor to realise things weren't improving. Mrs Murphy was under the impression things were back to normal, as long as Connor remembered to take his pills and drink the organic juices she made him each morning. But he stopped taking his meds, they weren't doing anything anyway. Instead he would set them aside for when the dark thoughts would creep out of his mind and take over his entire body, downing a handful at once and knocking him out for the night. 

Sometime around tenth grade, maybe earlier, maybe later, it was hard to remember...sometime around tenth grade, Connor started smoking pot. He'd built up a resistance to his pills, and even to his fathers back pain medication that he would steal from the bathroom cabinet. But he needed something, and it was the easiest thing to come across in their upper class neighbourhood. After being suspended from school for smoking in the grounds, he started skipping classes, then skipping entire days altogether. 

And then there was one day when Connor hadn't been down from his bedroom since the night before and hadn't been responding all day. Mr Murphy had to break down the door when he got home from work early because Mrs Murphy and Zoe couldn't get into his room through his locked door or second storey window. They found him passed out on the floor next to his bed, saliva running out of his open mouth into a dark circle on the beige carpet, and an empty pill bottle in his hand. After that attempt, they shipped him and his pumped stomach off for a stint in rehab over the summer. 

Now, barely a month out of rehab he had stopped taking his meds again, was back at school, and lying in a bed with rope burn around his neck. If Zoe hadn't been sent up to bring him dinner, he'd have managed it, managed to actually die this time. But he hadn't. He'd failed killing himself a second time, and this time it seemed his family were actually taking it seriously. 

"Connor, did you hear me?"

"Huh? Oh, right. What did you say?"

Connor eventually realised he would have to start talking if he wanted to get home; there was no way he could stand the hospital or another rehab much longer. He bullshitted his way through the appointment with the doctor, until Mrs Murphy came knocking a half hour later, bringing with her a plate of gluten free cookies and a clean shirt. 

"You'll be home and back to normal soon," she said to Connor as she pulled his blanket up to his chin, which he immediately folded back over. Mrs Murphy sat down on the edge of the bed and moved the blanket back up. 

"Well, a new normal. A better normal."

Connor rolled over onto his side to avoid his mothers eyes. Back on meds, back drinking those damn juices, back at school? With any luck, he'd be dead in a month.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor checked that the zipper of his jacket was up all the way for what must have been the hundredth time that morning. Zoe had gone ahead, but he stood at the side entrance gate, wondering if the inevitable appointment with his Psychiatrist his parents would book if they found out he had skipped school would be worth the risk. Twice a week was taxing enough.

Zoe had warned him that despite her best efforts, people at school were talking. It was a small enough town that when rumors spread, they were usually true; there weren't enough people in the circle of Chinese whispers to change the story.

The morning bell rang, and Connor walked into the school grounds, deciding against skipping school; two appointments a week were enough. He'd sooner face the questions of his classmates then those of his Psych.

He made his way to the hall his locker was in, and almost immediately students putting away their backpacks and collecting their textbooks for first period turned to look at him as he passed. So people had definitely been talking.

Connor pulled the top of his jacket up a bit higher and put his head down. After a month away, his head wasn't good, but it was as balanced as it could be. They'd kept him in hospital until they found a balance of medication that kept him  from falling off the edge of his thoughts and back into the darkness he was familiar with. Instead, he was standing near the edge, not feeling much at all.

He had been reluctant to go back to school, but had no choice in the matter; his parents didn't consider living the rest of your life from inside your bedroom a healthy choice. Whatever. He couldn't see himself lasting to the end of the year anyway, especially if he stayed on the new medication and even worse, stayed sober.

The comments came just like Zoe had warned, first whispered as Connor walked towards his locker, then spoken carelessly by students in the front rows of class.

_"Connor Murphy, you know, Zoe's brother?"_

_"That kid who threw a printer?"_

_"We're lucky he tried to kill himself and not someone else, he looks like the sort, doesn't he?"_

No one wanted much to do with him, but they sure wanted to know everything about him. The exception had been Alana Beck, a girl he knew by name - only because she put her it everywhere; student committee president, drama club president, girls swim team captain, and on about every sign up sheet around the school. Alana waited at the classroom door after the bell rang for lunch and blocked Connor's exit. Without hesitation, she put her free hand on his shoulder, her other hand balancing a thick pile of binders and notebooks against her hip.

"Connor. I am _so_ sorry to hear what happened to you. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now!"

Connor looked at Alana's hand on his shoulder and blinked at her slowly.

"Please, if you need anything at all, let me know. We have this class and chemistry together. And," she pulled out a pen from her pocket - did all girls carry pens in their pockets like that? How organised. Connor couldn't even remember if he had a pen in his possession? She took his hand and held it flat, writing on the back of his hand, _'@AlanaBeck :-)'_

"Tweet me!" She said, pocketing her pen and turning on her heel, half walking, half skipping towards the cafeteria. Connor stared at his hand. The exchange had happened to so quickly that he didn't know what to think, never mind what to say. He wouldn't be needing anything from her, he knew that much, but it was the first time a student had actually acknowledged him that day. It was Alana Beck, but it was...nice.

He turned in the opposite direction and began to walk towards to computer lab, looking down at the smiling face drawn on his hand every few seconds. The computer lab was a quiet alternative to the cafeteria at lunch time, and quieter still then the library where most of the other outcasts would spend their lunches.

There were a few people left in the room but they all seemed to be packing up their belongings and heading out to lunch. Connor walked to the far corner of the room and lowered himself onto the floor with his back to the wall. It was a familiar spot, where he used to spend his lunches when he wasn't behind the Art classrooms getting high.

Connor pulled his phone out of his bag - four new messages from his Mom, one from his Dad. He pulled open the first message, surely a reminder from Mrs Murphy to eat the sandwich she packed him, but before he could read it a cough from above interrupted him. Connor looked up to see Evan Hansen standing in front of him.

"I-...I didn't mean for you to see my letter. That day, in- in here. It wasn't to um, upset you. It..it was for an, uh, an assignment," Evan said, the words coming faster then he seemed to realise. "My...my therapist, he wants me to..."

Connor put his phone into his pocket, standing up and consequently shutting Evan up. Connor's memory wasn't the best, but he could remember the letter. He could also remember pushing Evan over. No wonder Evan went quiet so quickly; Connor standing up suddenly without saying anything probably looked threatening to Evan, even if he felt anything but.

"I didn't mean to...I'm sorry I flipped out. It uh, it wasn't a good day," Connor said, adjusting the top of his jacket again, although he and Evan were the only ones left in the room.

"Oh, I know, I know. I know the feeling," Evan said, nodding quickly and not making eye contact, apparently becoming interested in the state of his sneakers instead. He was wearing his backpack and holding onto the straps so tightly that his knuckles were going white.

"Um, I actually...I think I have the letter here. Yeah, I kept it in my bag..." Connor kneeled down next to his bag and fiddled around inside until he pulled out a folded piece of paper looking rather worse for wear, but still legible. Connor stood back up and handed the letter to Evan. Connor could see Evan's knuckles were painfully white; as he opened his hand to take the letter blood rushed back to his hand.

"Oh, that's- thanks. Thank you. I'm...I didn't mean to...for you to see it."

Connor asked before he could help himself, asked the question he didn't really want to know the answer to, because the first time it had sent him into a tailspin that was the beginning of what he had intended to be the end.

"Were you- were you writing about my sister? Zoe, Zoe Murphy? She's a junior."

Blood now rushed to Evan's neck and face, confirming Connor's suspicions before he even opened his mouth.

"Oh um, yeah. I-," Evan stammered, wiping his free hand against his khaki pants, "we're friends- no, not friends, I don't know why I- no, we're not friends, I've seen her play in uh, Jazz Band? I've seen her play there and I re-"

"Oh. Okay...cool. She didn't see the letter, I didn't...just so you know," Connor said, his voice rising higher then he would have liked, but it didn't really matter because it stopped Evan talking which both of them were grateful for.

"Oh, uh, thank you. Thanks."

"I should um, I should go. I should...I need to reply to this-" Connor pulled his phone from his pocket and held it up.

"Yeah no, of course, you should, yeah. Right."

Connor picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He tried to smile at Evan as he walked past but didn't think he managed anything remotely close. Connor was almost at the door when Evan spoke again.

"You don't have anything I can sign."

Connor stopped and turned back to face Evan who was still standing where he had left him. He hesitated for a second, then walked closer to Connor, but stopped a few feet away. He held out his left arm which was still in a cast, Connor's name still the singular one written there.

"You don't have anything I can- I- you signed my cast, but you- you don't have one."

"I don't know what you-"

Arm still held out, Evan pointed to Connor's neck. Connor realised his bag was pulling the top of his jacket down, and that the raised red mark and dark bruising around his neck were visible. He placed his hand against his neck, covering the area that was showing.

"I'm like you. Uh, just like you...I did it too. I- I...I tried, too," Evan said, lowering his arm and placing his right hand on top of his cast. Connor wasn't sure if he said it out loud or just thought it, but what Evan was saying clicked in an 'oh!' moment.

Evan Hansen had tried to kill himself too.

Evan took the Sharpie he'd been hopefully carrying around for a month from his back pocket and walked up to Connor. Connor lowered his hand from his neck, and Evan took it in his own. He wrote on back of his hand; _'Evan Hansen 202-555-0239'_

"If you- if you ever...I don't know. I get it, if you need to- talk or, whatever," Evan said so quickly and quietly that he practically breathed it. He looked up at Connor and made eye contact for the first time during their conversation, before quickly coughing and looking back down at his feet. He stepped around Connor - stepping was being generous, it was more of an accidental trip - and walked quickly from the room, the Sharpie still open in his hand.

For the second time that afternoon, Connor was left staring at his hand - rather both his hands now, Alana Beck's details in blue biro on one, Evan Hansen's in black marker on the other. His phone vibrated in his hand, and he unlocked the screen to see another message from his Mom appear in their text thread. Without reading the new message or any of the previous ones, Connor exited the thread and tapped the contacts icon.

He typed Evan's number in and added him as a new contact; 'Evan Hansen.' No, the surname looked formal, like he was another doctor or something. Connor pressed the edit button and backspaced, saving his number to 'Evan' instead.

No. He edited the contact again and clicked on the emoji button, scrolling through until he found the thumbs up emoji and added it to the end of Evan's name; it looked like his cast.

A bit more like they both had friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback on my first chapter! I was so nervous posting and it made me so happy haha.  
> So Connor is pretty reserved and not showing a heap of personality in this chapter, main reason for that being that he's still adjusting to his new meds, and while I know not everyone reacts the same way, I'm just going off how I felt when I started my new ones which was generally pretty 'meh.' He'll be getting some more personality soon. Also I'm not from the US so I just Googled American phone number formatting and copied that for Evan's number hahaha.  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Connor rolled his eyes as he heard footsteps coming up the stairs towards his bedroom. He fell on top of his bed right as Zoe opened his door, letting it rebound violently off the wall behind.

_"Stop_ throwing things! Mom told you to stop twice already! I'm trying to study and _you_ keep distracting me," she said loudly, marching over to Connor and grabbing the stress ball he'd been throwing at the wall for the past ten minutes from his hand. Connor weakly grabbed for it but Zoe was already gone, pulling the door shut behind her with a loud bang. He rolled his eyes again.

Connor had also been trying to study. It had been a few days since he'd started school again and his unfinished class work combined with homework was rapidly accumulating,  but it just wasn't getting done. His head was a mess, and trying to chase after facts and figures was making it worse. So he gave up and distracted himself instead; first painting his nails, then rearranging his vinyl collection, then getting so bored he started playing catch with the wall. What he wouldn't do for a joint.

Unfortunately, due to the strict surveillance his parents were keeping on him, combined with the enlisted help of Zoe at school, it was impossible to access any such thing. Not that his normal guy would likely sell him anything anyway; it seemed he and just about everyone else in school - no, in the entire town - were avoiding him since he'd returned from hospital.

Connor sighed loudly and pulled out his phone, scrolling through Facebook for a few minutes. No one was online, but even if they were, it wouldn't change anything. They were all Zoe's; studying, participating in sport/band/drama practice, having social lives...what would they want with Connor anyway? Nothing. And he wanted nothing with them anyway.

Well, there was an exception. An exception in the form of Evan Hansen, who had shared his own secret and phone number with Connor a few days ago. It was a small town, and they'd known each other from a distance since elementary school. Evan had always been quiet and seemed lonely, not unlike Connor; always hovering in the back of lines and sitting wherever he could find an empty space in the cafeteria. Unlike Connor, he was a good student, didn't do drugs, didn't skip class. They were alike, but mostly different. That had Connor intrigued. This kid tried to off himself too?

He brought up his contacts and scrolled down to Evan's number. He'd been considering doing something with the number since Evan had left him standing in the computer lab staring after him. He typed out a message and hit the send button before he could question it.

 

  **Sent: 6:47pm**  
_**Hey, is this Evan?** _

 

Connor placed his phone down next to him and rolled over onto his side, staring out the window at the darkening sky, avoiding looking at the pile of books and papers on his desk. The sound of his Mom and Zoe talking downstairs and the low hum of the oven floated up the stairs to him. His phone vibrated and Connor picked it up faster then he would care to admit.

 

**Received: 6:48pm**  
_Yeah, who is this?_

 

**Sent: 6:49pm**  
_**Connor Murphy, we spoke at school the other day. In the computer lab.** _

 

Connor stared out the window holding his phone tightly in his hand. Evan didn't have many friends but maybe he had enough that he wouldn't even remember talking to Connor. Or maybe he did, and giving him his number was more of a kind gesture rather then something that he actually intended to follow through on.

 

**Received: 6:51pm**  
_Of course, sorry! Hey._

 

**Received: 6:52pm**  
_Sorry. About the other day. Sometimes I just talk and have no filter, so I'm sorry if I talked too much._

 

**Sent: 6:53pm**  
_**You apologize a lot.** _

 

**Received: 6:57pm**  
_Yeah I know, bad habit, sorry._

 

**Sent: 6:58pm**  
_**Wow.** _

 

**Received: 7:01pm**  
_Whoops._

 

**Received: 7:03pm**  
_Thank you again for not showing Zoe or anyone my letter._  
_I'm sorry it upset you._

 

**Sent: 7:05pm**  
_**Don't worry about it. Like I said, I was out of line.** _

 

**Received: 7:06pm**  
_You stopping coming to school after that._

 

**Received: 7:07pm**  
_Is that when you...?_

 

**Received: 7:07pm**  
_Sorry, that's really personal._

 

**Sent: 7:08pm**  
_**Yeah, that's when I did it.** _

 

**Sent: 7:08pm**  
_**And you've got to stop apologizing.** _

 

**Received: 7:10pm**  
_Sorry. If I'm annoying you don't feel obliged to talk to me, it's fine._

 

**Sent: 7:13pm**  
_**I text you first, did it occur to you that maybe I want to talk to you?** _

 

**Sent: 7:16pm**  
_**If this is your way of brushing me off though, just fucking say it and I'll leave you alone.** _

 

**Received: 7:16pm**  
_What, no, that's not what I meant! I'm not trying to brush you off at all! I just don't want to annoy you, I know I annoy most people._

 

**Sent: 7:18pm**  
_**How would you know that?** _

 

**Received: 7:20pm**  
_They tell me._

 

**Sent: 7.21pm**  
_**Who told you?** _

 

**Received: 7:22pm**  
_My friend Jared. Well, family friend, our parents know each other so he sort of has to talk to me._

 

**Sent: 7:23pm**  
_**That's fucked up.** _

 

**Received: 7:23pm**  
_Yeah I know. It's pretty embarrassing, but I don't have many other friends so it's alright, I guess._

 

**Sent: 7:25pm**  
_**No I mean it's fucked up that he said you annoy him, he's meant to be your friend?** _

 

**Sent: 7:25pm**  
_**Sorry, now I'm getting personal.** _

 

Connor threw his phone down towards the end of his bed and ran his hands up over his face and through his hair. He shouldn't be getting angry at Jared Kleinman, they'd only ever had a handful of interactions but the last one left Connor feeling less then kind towards him.

The room was dark now and with his phone off, the only light coming in was from the crack at the bottom of his door. He could still hear his Mom and Zoe talking, joined now by his Dad who must be not long home. Connor sat up and picked up his phone; no notifications.

No, he shouldn't have gotten angry at Jared. He was right, Evan didn't have many friends, and having a go at the only person he actually ever saw him with wasn't a good idea. Evan had probably blocked his number as soon as he read Connor's message, had probably joined the rest of the town in the silent pact they had against acknowledging Connor beyond the rumors they shared about him.

"Connor, dinner's ready," Mrs Murphy called up the staircase, interrupting Connor's thoughts from spinning too far out of control. Connor looked at his phone again then pocketed it and made his way downstairs. His Dad and Zoe were seated at the dining table while his Mom divided a casserole between four plates.

"Hey sport," Mr Murphy said, smiling up at Connor and pulling his plate towards him. His smile was strained and there were lines in his face that weren't there a few weeks ago. Between the hour long commute to work, his long hours and walking on eggshells around Connor at home, he was worn down. Connor nodded at his Dad and took his seat.

Dinner was as it always was; exhausting. Listening to his Dad tell stories about work, his Mom complain about the neighbours and Zoe share her test results or stories about her friends. Connor couldn't even distract himself with his food as his new medication left him with no appetite, so he pushed chunks of beef and carrot around his plate with his fork while trying to block out the sound of Zoe's voice. His phone vibrated and he dropped his fork against his plate in his hurry to pull it out.

 

**Received: 7:42pm**  
_You're in enviro science, right? We have that essay due on Thursday and I know you were away when we started on the topic, so I thought maybe if you wanted you could share my notes? Not that I don't think you can do it, you might have already even done it, I just thought I should offer._

 

**Sent 7:43pm**  
_**Are you fucking kidding, that would probably save me from like a week of detention because no way have I done it.** _

 

**Received: 7:43pm**  
_I could give them to you tomorrow in fifth period?_

 

**Received: 7:44pm**  
_Or I can send them through via email now if you would prefer that._

 

**Sent: 7:45pm**  
**_No, tomorrow sounds good. Unless you had plans tomorrow with Kleinman or whatever._ **

 

**Received: 7.46pm**  
_Plans with Jared? I'll see you fifth period._

 

"Connor, phone away," Mrs Murphy sang out from the other side of the table, bringing Connor back to real life. Connor dropped his phone into his lap and picked up his fork, quickly swallowing a mouthful of casserole while Mrs Murphy was still watching. She smiled and turned back to Zoe who continued her story Connor had tuned out to.

A few hours later, once Connor had escaped spending any more time with his family, he lay on his bed in the dark once again, trying to fall asleep and like he was in most areas of his life, failing. He had taken his sleeping pills but the pile of homework on his desk seemed so much taller in the dark, and his head seemed to physically hurt when he thought of school the next day. The overdue notices, the whispers that followed him around, the fact that not even his normal guy wouldn't sell him anything. At least he knew there would be even a small part of the day that would be different from the last few. He picked up his phone and opened his most recent message thread, typing out a message and again hitting send before he could question himself.

 

**Sent: 11:57pm**  
_**Did you want to maybe meet a bit earlier?** _

 

**Sent: 11:57pm**  
_**At lunch maybe?** _

 

**Sent: 11:57pm**  
_**If not that's cool, 5th period is good.** _

 

**Sent: 11:58pm**  
_**Shit I didn't realize it was so late, sorry if this woke you.**_

 

Connor didn't even have time to set his phone down before a response came immediately.

 

**Received: 11.59pm**  
_If you needed the notes now it's not too late for me to email them?_

 

**Received: 11.59pm**

_Otherwise yeah, lunch is good._

 

Connor didn't write back, preferring not to tell Evan that he wasn't as interested in the notes as much as he was in the boy himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this dumb chapter is so weak, I hate writing messages and this was a really stupid filler of sorts. I just want to get started on the next chapter where they hang out and get some decent character development going!
> 
> Also I was going to make Connor's messages full of bad grammar and all lower case but I figured A.) he'd have a hell expensive phone that just fixes your spelling and grammar anyway and B.) after the whole list of books thing we got from the show I figure he is a really well read and smart kid Idk. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late, I've been feeling so down on myself because there's so much amazing content coming out of this fandom and I'm just so inadequate? I'm gonna try and update quicker though because despite my crippling self doubt, I love writing these characters. Thank you so much for all your feedback and comments, honestly makes my day/year/life. Thank you!

Connor forgot about Evan Hansen by the time he woke up.

Eventually he'd managed to fall asleep but it had been in the early hours, and when Mrs Murphy came knocking on his door to wake him up, bringing with her a bowl of cereal and a handful of pills - two round white ones taken once daily before food, a blue oblong one twice daily and two orange vitamins because "you look so pale, honey"- Connor refused to get out of bed for forty minutes. Mrs Murphy had to threaten to call Mr Murphy home before Connor eventually left his room and had to walk to school because Zoe left without him.

He was late to school, late enough that Mr Powell shot him a dirty look as he attempted to join the class without anyone noticing, not late enough that the school counsellor had to call home. The rest of the day passed without anything noteworthy happening aside from Alana Beck's new habit of turning around from her front row seat in Chemistry with an encouraging smile on her face.

By the time lunch rolled around Connor couldn't stop thinking of that meme that popped up on his social media feeds every few months, the one of the person crying with a caption about wanting to die rather over the plans you made? Evan Hansen from elementary school tried to kill himself too, and maybe because he hadn't smoked in weeks, maybe because no one but Alana acknowledged him, maybe because it was Evan Hansen who cried on a third grade field trip to the museum because he got lost in the vertebrate exhibit, but Connor wanted to know more. But really, pushing their meeting up from fifth period to lunch had obviously been his anti-anxiety meds talking (round white pill, once a day.) Connor walked to the computer lab in no hurry and found Evan already standing there.

If Connor's brain was a mess, Evan's entire being was. Evan was standing in front of the computer lab door, one hand once again holding onto his backpack strap for dear life, the other holding a notebook. Connor grabbed the strap of his own cross body bag as he walked up to Evan, the younger boys nervous energy rubbing off. Nervous or not, Connor could use any energy of any kind at this point because all he could think of was how he wished he never made plans and _that fucking meme._

"I realised we never said where we would meet and I don't know where your locker was so I thought here would be good, sorry if you couldn't find-," Evan said quickly, his words coming fast and fluid. Connor waved his hand to quiet him and Evan shrunk in on himself slightly.

"Again, the apologizing?" Connor said, raising an eyebrow. Evan's face grew pink and he looked down, quickly holding out his notebook. 

"Here's the notes, um, I think I missed a slide on Darwin but it's all in the textbook anyway, Chapter 3, section B, I think. Oh yeah, sorry my handwriting is messy, it's hard with the cast," Evan said, as Connor took the notebook and flipped through it, lines of neat writing and highlighted paragraphs filling half the pages.

"This is messy? I'm in trouble. No, thanks a lot, you're really helping me out here," Connor said, pressing his lips together in an uncomfortable smile which Evan seemed to mirror. They stood there for a moment, each expecting the other to walk away, but when neither did, Connor pointed towards the door to the computer lab.

"Did you want to?" He barely managed, before Evan quickly said yes and they walked into the empty computer lab. Connor picked a table on the side of the room and sat down, Evan following suit on the other side of the table.

"Do you usually spend your lunches here?" Evan asked, saying the first thing he could think of to break the silence.

"Yeah, here or around the art block, you?" Connor replied, looking at Evan. Evan looked at the wall to their right, then turned to look at the one to the left. Looked everywhere but at Connor.

"In the library or with Jared, if he isn't busy. Which he usually is, so usually the library," Evan said quickly, resuming his apparent inspection of every inch of the room in order to avoid eye contact for as long as possible. When his eyes came to rest on his backpack, Evan picked it up and pulled out a sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap and placed in on the table in front of him. He unwrapped it, pulled a corner up to check the contents, then rewrapped it. Connor raised his brows again.

"Peanut butter. My Mum forgets peanut butter makes my mouth stin- s-she left early this morning, it probably just slipped her mind, I shouldn't be complaining."

Connor picked up his own bag and pulled out a Tupperware container and opened the lid. Packed inside was a large multigrain sandwich filled with salad toppings. Connor sighed loudly and shut the container with a louder snap.

"At least your Mom is giving you real food, mine's on this gluten free kick at the moment? I mean, I have no appetite anyway, but as if it will ever come back when she's making me eat this...I don't even know what gluten is, but I miss it."  
Evan laughed and pushed his sandwich across the table towards Connor.

"Take this if you want, I don't like it but at least it's 'real food,'" he said. Connor looked at the sandwich for a minute before reaching across, unwrapping it and taking a bite - he wasn't hungry, didn't remember being hungry for a while, but he hadn't eaten since the casserole the night before, and peanut butter was better then anything in the Murphy house. Connor pushed his container towards Evan.

"Oh, no, really, your Mom put a lot of effort in," Evan said, holding up his hand to push it back, but Connor interrupted through a mouthful of peanut butter.

"Really, as long as you don't mind missing out on gluten and whatever its benefits are, have it," Connor said, and Evan laughed again and took the sandwich. With some difficulty due to the tomato, carrot and lettuce falling out of the sides, he managed a couple of bites. They sat in silence and ate, Evan trying hard to make as little noise as possible while he tackled the salad. After Connor had finished and Evan had also made a decent effort at finishing his significantly larger sandwich, silence fell again.

And then they both spoke at once.

 

"Is it my fault you tried to kill yourself?" "How did you try and kill yourself?"

 

Evan always spoke quickly but with such a personal question he spoke like he was on fast forward, finishing his question before Connor. They stared at each other across the table for a moment, but it wasn't even a real moment, just a slice of one, because Evan and eye contact got along as well as Mrs Murphy and gluten.

"Wait, what did you say?" Connor asked, shaking his head as though he had water in his ears and couldn't hear what Evan had said.

"You said last night, when we were messaging, that day we first talked in here is the day you...tried...and you took my letter and it upset you so much because I was writing about- about Z-Zoe, about your sister, and I can't stop thinking that it's my fault that you did it, like if you didn't read my letter you wouldn't have done it and-" Evan started, words coming in fast forward again, but Connor interrupted.

"You think that's why I tried to kill myself, over some letter you wrote yourself about my sister?"

"Yeah, I mean...I don't know what else you have going on, but I know without context the letter is really weird like- like a sex letter...which it isn't, that's just what Jared called it. It's actually for my therapist, but you didn't know that so it seemed like a sex letter and a sex letter about your sister, but really it wasn't," Evan could feel his words becoming more disjointed then they usually were so stopped to take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and make a mental note to murder Jared Kleinman for ever putting the words 'sex' and 'letter' in the same sentence.

Connor just started at Evan, both his hands resting on his head after running them through his hair as his listened to Evan's confession of guilt. It made so much sense; Evan being one of the only people to acknowledge him this week, to share a secret and his phone number with him, to offer him his notes. No wonder he kept bringing the letter up - 'I didn't mean for you to see my letter,' 'I'm sorry it upset you' - and no wonder the most common word in his vocabulary was 'sorry.' He'd been blaming himself this whole time.

"I'm s-sorry I can't speak properly n-now, this happens sometimes, and I'm sorry if it was my- my fault," Evan said, his voice shaking while Connor just continued staring. He finally untangled his fingers from his hair.

"Calm down, do you need like, a paper bag or something? Seriously, you're breathing like my Grandpa right now, and he has lung cancer," Connor said, genuinely concerned at the state Evan had worked himself into. Evan took a deep breath in and steadied his breathing, his face going back to a normal colour instead of the painful looking pink it had been. Connor just stared, glad his breathing was getting back to normal because he had never paid attention in Health and didn't know what to do if Evan started breathing faster, or if he stopped altogether. Evan Alana Beck would stop acknowledging him if he let Evan die because he had never paid attention to CPR demonstrations.

"Stop apologizing and let this go. I didn't do it because of your letter. I- I-...I had...have a lot going on and the letter just set me off on a bad day. Don't blame yourself for...whatever the fuck is wrong with me. It wasn't you or the letters fault. Seriously, let it go...God, I sound like Elsa," Connor said, pushing his hair back with his hand-

Wait, had he really just compared himself to a Disney princess?

Evan's laughter confirmed it.

Fuck.

"Frozen? We finish each others-" Evan started in a would be sing song voice, if not for the fact that he spoke so fast.

"Sentences, obviously," Connor finished, sounding much more masculine, thank god. Evan just laughed again.

"I was going for sandwiches...hey, that works quite literally for us," Evan said through his laughter, pointing at the empty container and plastic wrap on the table, and Connor couldn't help but smile. At least Evan was laughing with him and not at him, and he didn't seem in danger of dying in front of Connor anymore. Keen to move the subject matter away from anything that involved him admitting he knew any more Disney lyrics, he started back on his original question.

"So, um...did you actually try and kill yourself, or does this mean were you just trying to be nice to me because you felt guilty about your letter?" Connor asked, and Evan's smile was gone.

"N-no, I actually did," Evan said quietly, and Connor was relieved. Not that that was an appropriate response, but at least he hadn't faked it just to get rid of his guilt. But now Connor was feeling guilty for feeling relieved that someone else had failed a suicide attempt.

"You said you fell out of a tree, when we first talked in here? Were you trying to do what I tried...did you try and...try and hang yourself?"

"Hang myself, what, no, no, no. I- I actually fell out of a tree," Evan said, speaking again at top speed. Connor could remember making light of him falling out of a tree during their first real conversation.

"I fell on purpose. I- I was- was in a tree - I uh, was an apprentice ranger at Ellison State Park this summer so I was, uh- anyway, I was in this tree, and then- then the branch collapsed? And I managed to catch myself, but then I...I let go."

It was still the saddest fucking thing Connor had ever heard - well, almost; Evan living with the belief that Connor had tried to commit suicide over his letter was Pretty Fucking Sad - but now knowing that Evan had attempted suicide, had attempted suicide without planning ahead, had attempted suicide on the same summer break he had was fucking sad.

"Fuck. I mean, points for originality. All you got was a broken arm?" Connor asked. Evan was running his fingers along the edge of his cast, apparently he couldn't avoid eye contact by looking around the room forever so had moved onto focusing on his cast instead.

"Yeah, pretty much. I didn't even get knocked out. It makes it easy though, everyone buys that I fell," Evan said.

"Does anyone know?"

Evan shook his head while keeping his eyes down, absentmindedly tracing Connor's name on his cast with his finger. Connor noticed his name was still the only one written there. Of course no one knew, if no one had signed Evan's cast apart from Connor, who would he be opening up to about this with?

"I didn't even tell the doctor who set my cast...my Mom, she works at the hospital, and if she found out what I did-"

"She'd have you sent away like mine did?"

"You-your parents sent you away?" Evan looked up, his eyes widening.

"Yeah, while you were an apprentice ranger, _I_ was in rehab," Connor said, kind of amused by how large Evan's eyes had become.

"Rehab?" Evan repeated after him in a near whisper, eyes now roughly the size of dinner plates.

"Yeah, full Amy Winehouse style. I tried overdosing at the start of the summer and they had me go to a clinic a few hours away. I don't recommend it, they made us do yoga," Connor said, rolling his eyes because he could still feel the pull of sun salutation in his back.

"I-If you don't mind me asking, how many times have you...?"

"Done yoga? Kidding. Tried to off myself? Just twice. Although I'm starting to think I died the first time and this is Hell," Connor said, waving his hand around the room.

"Yeah, maybe I died too-"

"And this is like the waiting from Beetlejuice!" Connor interrupted, surprising himself and Evan with his enthusiasm. Evan's attention was back on his cast and he quietly admitted that he'd never seen that film.

"You've never seen Beetlejuice-" Connor started, but the bell signalling the end of lunch interrupted and Evan was on his feet with his backpack on and Connor's Tupperware container in his hand before Connor could even remember what he was saying.

"Thanks for the sandwich, and um, letting me clear all that up," he said, handing the container back to Connor and his hands were back in position on his backpack straps. Connor picked up his bag and stood up. It suddenly felt a lot heavier, now that lunch was over. All that had been added to the bag was the notebook, but knowing that it would be stacked on top of Mount Homework on his desk by the end of the night made him remember how tired he was. Lunch had made him forget that, if just for half an hour or so. Lunch, maybe talking to Evan.

"No, thank you, for the sandwich and the notes," he said, "and for um, telling me all that. Yeah."

Evan smiled and they stood like that for a second, laughter and footsteps from the hallway outside the room filling the silence, which Connor was grateful for, because if there was complete silence he might be forced to say something like "we're both bad at killing ourselves and that's all we seem to have in common but hey, wanna do this again tomorrow?"

And Evan might have had to reply something like "yes" but said it way too fast, like so fast that Connor would immediately take it back and he'd be stuck spending lunches in the library pretending to be studying when really he was just there because he had no other options.

So they didn't say anything and stood for a moment, until the noise in the hallway reached it's peak which meant it was time to get moving if they didn't want to be late for class. Evan gave Connor an uncomfortable smile and went to leave the room, but Connor called out, just like Evan had to him the day previous.

"Evan, uh, please...don't blame yourself. I'm sorry you have been. And um, don't- don't climb any more trees, yeah?" Connor said, suddenly feeling stupid. They weren't even friends, weren't even acquaintances, and here he was telling him not to climb trees. Sure. Apparently the message got through the Evan, the message of '"don't try and kill yourself again, yeah?" because he smiled again, a real smile this name. Not a big enough smile that all his teeth were on show or his eyes went small, but it was an improvement from the forced smiles they'd been exchanging all lunch. Evan nodded and left the room, leaving Connor and his too heavy bag staring after him again.

 

* * *

 

**Received: 9:58pm**  
_Just finished Beetlejuice. We're definitely in the waiting room._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-wrote this because I originally didn't include Evan thinking that Connor's attempt was somehow his fault, but after watching the bootleg again I was like, if Connor lived (RIP my dead gay son) Evan and his anxious ass would totally be feeling guilty and blaming themselves. But I'm glad they had this convo, so now I can get into That Gay Shit.   
> Also, these two making Frozen references is so fucking OOC, but I'm making Connor a film nerd in this sooo...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone: love that this is from Connor's perspective  
> Me, not knowing how to do anything right: starts writing from Evan's perspective too
> 
> Really though, I'm gonna have to include some of Evan's perspective for future chapters to work out so may as well start now! Thanks for your lovely feedback, you guys make my day! I'm gonna respond to comments soon, I feel rude when people take time to comment and I don't reply, but work has been very busy at the moment, hence the delay! But I'm so thankful!

Connor woke up the next morning - after two wake up calls from Mrs Murphy and one from Zoe ("wake up asshole, I'm not waiting around for you") - to find a rare notification on his phone.

 

**'Evan Hansen Sent You A Friend Request'**

 

They had text back and forth a couple of times about waiting rooms and Tim Burton last night, but Connor had fallen asleep before he had seen the request. He opened up Facebook and tapped the accept button next to Evan's profile picture. The photo was a full body shot of him standing outside, an unassuming background of a park or backyard behind him. He was wearing a t-shirt, shorts and a cap, under which he was smiling, face half hidden under the brim. It wasn't a recent photo though; he had no cast and he'd lost weight since it was taken.

His own photo was probably just as old, if not older. A rare moment of happiness on a ski trip a few years ago, a mid shot Connor looking directly at the camera, one side of his mouth turned up in an almost evil smile, a snow covered beanie sat on top of his slightly shorter hair. He'd just successfully hit the Harris' son in the face with a snowball after days of attempts, and Zoe had been so excited she had pulled out her phone and taken a photo.

Connor clicked Evan's profile picture and went to his profile. He had more friends then Connor, only by twenty odd people or so, and that still wasn't much at all. He didn't seem to use Facebook much either; most of his profile was the occasional tagged post by a family member, with a few shared articles about global warming, bee populations and 'Top 20 Hikes For Solo Travellers' filling up the rest of his page. Connor clicked the message icon.

_'Evan is typing...'_

Connor set the phone aside, a bit shocked that someone could be messaging him. He looked for it for a moment, but nothing changed, so he set it down and changed from his t-shirt and sweatpants into clothes for school. When he checked his phone again, the typing message was gone, but Evan hadn't sent a message.

Which was fine, because it wasn't like he was going to ever tweet Alana Beck or private message Evan Hansen.

Would he? Maybe. Not now.

But they had been messaging about Tim Burton on a Wednesday night.

And now Facebook said they were friends.

"Connor, I need you getting to school on time today, please come and have your cereal," Mrs Murphy called up the stairs and Connor tossed his phone and books and any thoughts of Evan into his bag and went downstairs.

* * *

 

Though they hadn't spoken to each other all day, Connor and Evan both wound up in the computer lab again at lunch. They'd had Environmental Science together at the start of the day, but the class had worked on their essays in silence, and they sat at separate sides of the classroom anyway. Connor hadn't managed to complete his essay, but had given it a try, and it was better then it would have been without the help of Evan's notes. Connor was sat in his usual corner of the computer lab when Evan walked in and spotting him, walked straight up to him and handed him a sandwich. Connor stood up so he wasn't talking to Evan from the ground.

"I forgot to mention the peanut butter thing to my Mom again," Evan said, as Connor turned the sandwich around in his hands.

"Do you want-" Connor started, reaching into his bag for his own sandwich, but Evan held up his hands and shook his head.

"No, no, I'm um, not hungry, thanks anyway," he said, hoping it wasn't entirely obvious that he had started messaging Connor to ask if he wanted a sandwich that morning, but decided against hitting send, made it anyway, and wasn't hungry because he had already eaten the actual peanut-butter-free sandwich his Mom had packed. Evan tried to look like he wasn't holding onto that thought as Connor unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite.

"How did you go with that essay?" Connor said, swallowing a mouthful of bread and Evan shrugged.

"Okay, I think. You?"

"I didn't finish it, but I think I passed," Connor said, "thanks to you. Thanks again for the notes, I've got them here," he said, opening up his bag and poking around inside looking for Evan's notebook. After a moment he put the sandwich and the bag down on the closest table and pulled a few things out, but the notebook wasn't in the bag.

"I think I left them in Zoe's car, dammit. I'll go and get the keys off her," Connor said, sweeping his arm across the table and pushing everything messily back into his bag. Connor swung his bag over his shoulder and started walking towards the door, but Evan stayed standing where he was, unsure of if he was supposed to wait there or follow.

"You coming?" Connor asked, and Evan pretty much fell over in his haste to catch up with him.

They walked together down the hallway and out into the yard, and Evan hardly had time to understand what was happening before they were walking towards Zoe and her group of friends, sitting together on some outdoor seating. A brunette girl sitting on Zoe's right nudged her with her elbow as they approached and Zoe looked up, looking concerned for a moment, before standing and meeting Connor before he could reach her friends.

They all thought he was enough of a freak from a distance, she wouldn't want them having to be in his presence if she could help it.

"I need your keys, Evan lent me his notes and I left them in the car," Connor said, deadpan, as Zoe looked between them. Her eyes darted towards her friends who were all staring at Connor, then back to the two boys.

"I'm not giving you my keys, you know what Dad said," she replied, and Connor sighed loudly and crossed his arms against his chest, which Zoe mirrored, and Evan could hardly believe he was standing there witnessing Zoe Murphy and Connor Murphy talking about their Dad, because the fact that they actually shared the same parents was _unbelievable._

"I know Dad can go fuck himself?" Connor said, rolling his eyes, "I'm not going to steal your car or whatever, I told you, I left Evan's notes in there and he needs them back. Right Evan?" Connor said, turning to Evan who was standing a step away from the siblings.

"Hmm? Yeah, no, he...he" Evan started, stepping forward and suddenly feeling like the eyes of the entire world were on him when really with was just Zoe and Connor but it may as well have been the world because _Zoe._

"Evan, did he take your notes?" Zoe asked as Evan tried to get an answer out. Her eyes were wide and understanding. Evan just stared back for a moment, because her eyes were so wide and so brown and there were literal stars in them, he was sure, no, not just stars, entire universes.

"I saw him push you on the first day of school, if he took your notes without your permi-" Zoe tried again as Evan just stared. She uncrossed her arms and placed them her hands on her hips, ready to tell Connor off and Connor turned and raised his eyebrows expectantly at him. Evan finally broke out of his Zoe induced trance.

"N-no, he didn't take anything! I offered him my notes because I knew he was away when we covered the topic in class," Evan said quickly, and Zoe just stared between the two of them, trying to work out if Evan was telling the truth.

"Don't interrogate him, Zoe," Connor interrupted, and she raised her eyebrows at him, "we're friends and he lent me his notes, drop it." Zoe just started back at him, her eyebrows still raised, but her expression softened and she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her keys.

The F word.

It worked.

Was it true?

Take the keys and don't question it.

"Bring them straight back, or I'll tell Dad," Zoe said and turned back to her friends. Connor and Evan turned and walked back the way they came. Connor tossed Zoe's keys from hand to hand, the keychains catching Evan's eyes; the letter 'Z', a pink pom-pom, a Mickey Mouse keychain from Disneyland. They walked towards the student parking lot in silence, Connor's brows furrowed as he played with the keys.

"How do you and Zoe know each other?" Connor asked after a few minutes, his voice high.

"W-we don't- I- she saw you push me that day and checke-" Connor stopped and turned to face Evan.

"You were writing about her in that letter though, right?" Evan wished they would start walking again so he didn't have to face Connor. Last year or even a few weeks ago, being confronted by Connor Murphy about his crush on his younger sister would have frightened Evan half to death (but only half to death, because surely some of him would still need to be alive for when Connor would throw a printer at his head or find another creative way of murdering him.)

But Connor just looked worn down now.

"You like her, don't you?" Connor asked, voice back to normal but then going stupidly high at the end of his question.

Evan looked up at Connor's face, looking strained, and shrugged because that was much easier then admitting that he didn't just like her, he was in love with her. That would be a great way to kill their friendship (were they friends?) and also probably himself (again, printer to the head.) Connor furrowed his brows again and started walking, Evan staying a step behind and pressing his hands against his face because he was sure it was on fire.

"I'm pretty sure she's dating some guy she does band with," Connor said, his own face growing hot. It was always Zoe and it always had been. With their parents, teachers, and now the first person he could maybe call his friend in years. Evan didn't respond as they walked up to Zoe's car.

Evan didn't drive, he had taken one lesson but had had a panic attack behind the wheel, so he avoided the topic of cars as much as possible. Even without knowing cars, he could tell that Zoe's car was an expensive new model, looking straight out of an advertisement amongst the second hand cars most of their classmates drove. Connor unlocked the door and reached into the back, pulling out Evan's notebook and handing it to him. He locked the door and leaned against the drivers side, running his hands through his hair.

"Does your Dad really think you'll steal Zoe's car?" Evan asked, and Connor pushed his hair back from his face and laughed without humour.

"Apparently. My parents took my car away, and now he doesn't trust me with anyone else's," he said, his face screwed up into an ugly expression of distaste. Evan wondered why they took his car away, but the look on Connor's face told him not to ask. After a moment of standing there in silence, Evan wondering if he should leave now that he had his notebook, the only thing really keeping them together -  besides from their strange bond of being bad at dying - Connor locked the car and started walking back into the school grounds. Evan followed, keeping a step behind again.

Connor returned Zoe's keys to her, tossing them at her without thanks. She rolled her eyes and put them back in her pocket, muttering  "you're welcome" under her breath, which Connor didn't hear because he had already turned around and started to walk away. Evan mouthed a thanks to Zoe and turned to follow Connor, still unsure if Connor wanted him to, but Zoe called out to him before he could get far.

"Evan, can I talk to you for a moment?" He turned around and nodded quickly. A moment, an hour, an eternity, any of those would suit. Connor turned around too but Zoe ignored him, so he continued walking, leaving Evan and Zoe together.

"He's um, he's really not taking your notes or anything, is he?" She asked, her eyes following Connor as he walked away, which was perfect for Evan because if he had to make eye contact with her he might just die right there in the middle of the school yard while Natalie and Veronica and all of Zoe's other friends just sat there and giggled.

"No, really, like I said, I-I offered him my notes because we had this essay coming up and he missed so many classes," Evan said, honestly.

"Oh. Good. Sorry, I just wasn't...my brother, he doesn't really have friends. I sort of assumed he was using you or something," she said, shaking her head and shaking the idea away. She finally looked away from where Connor had been walking away, and met Evan's eyes.

"Thanks for being nice to him. He's had a really bad year," she said, then she ran her hand through her hair just like Connor did, "well, bad years. He could use a friend, especially someone like you."

Someone like him? Was that...a compliment? From Zoe Murphy?

Apparently hanging out with Connor had more benefits then getting rid of sandwiches and talking to someone besides Mrs Hook the librarian.

"Sorry, I'll let you go. But thank you. Thanks Evan," Zoe said, and she smiled, that perfect smile, that perfect smile directed at him, and all he could do was smile back and hope he didn't look how he felt which was like a mess, to say the least. Zoe turned and walked back to her friends, and Evan stared after her for a moment, at her not quite blonde, not quite brown, a little bit indigo hair, before walking away in the direction Connor had left.

Almost on auto pilot after getting through an entire conversation with Zoe without dying, Evan made his way back to the computer lab, and found Connor pacing near the doorway. His hair was sticking up in new places; he'd obviously been running his hands through his hair again.

Zoe had been telling Evan to not talk to him anymore. The only time they seemed to have communicated was after Zoe saw Connor push him, so they had no real reason to talk otherwise. She knew what Connor was capable of, knew he was capable of more then pushing people over, so she was probably telling Evan not to bother sharing his notes and sandwiches anymore because Connor _wasn't worth it._

But here Evan was, walking right up to him again.

"I suppose she told you to stay away from me," Connor said, stopping his pacing and turning to Evan, trying to keep his voice deadpan again but sounding strained.

"Kind of the opposite," Evan said, a bit worried at the way Connor was staring at him, "I think...I think she's glad we're friends?"

"Are we?" Connor asked too quickly, too strained again.

"What?"

"Friends? I mean, Facebooks says it but-"

"Yeah. We're friends. We can be friends. If you want to-"

"Yes."

Again, _so_ quickly.

"Okay."

"Okay....okay, this is some John Green shit, let's quit while we're ahead."

"Okay...wait, sorry."

"Stop apologising."

A laugh, so Evan knew he knew he was joking and not going to flip out on him again.

"...maybe sorry can be our always."

"Fucking hell, I'm rethinking this friendship thing already," Connor laughed and Evan laughed harder and Connor's face was red and Evan was covering his mouth and it was getting embarrassing how red Connor's face was but it was okay because they were _friends._

Facebook confirmed, Evan confirmed, actual friends.

* * *

 

Zoe was washing off a green face mask when Connor went to use the bathroom before bed later that night. Connor, eyes wide at Zoe looking more like Shrek then his sister, went to leave to use the basement bathroom instead, but Zoe called him back.

"I assume Evan told you what I spoke to him about?" She asked, wiping her face clean with a damp towel. Connor shrugged and walked into the bathroom, Zoe stepping aside and making space for him at the sink.

"Sorry I freaked out about the notes, he just seemed so nervous, I was worried you were- whatever. Sorry. When did you two start hanging out?" she asked, as Connor took a hairbrush off the counter and started brushing through his hair that had really had quite workout today.

"Why do you care?" Connor asked, gathering his hair into a bun and making eye contact with Zoe through the mirror.

"You never hang out with anyone," she replied, rolling her eyes because surely that was obvious. She placed the towel down and turned away from the mirror to face Connor. He leaned across her and picked up his toothbrush and the toothpaste, squeezing some onto his brush and sticking it in his mouth instead of replying.

"I'm glad you two are friends," Zoe said, turning back to the mirror, apparently keen on continuing conversation. She started rubbing an oily moisturizer onto her face, hair also pulled back from her face in a knot on top of her head. Connor shrugged again, spat in the sink ("watch it!") and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

"Don't make it weird," he said to Zoe, placing the toothbrush back. He sniffed the air.

"What's in that oil shit?" 

"Um...rose hip? I don't know, Mom bought it for me, says I'm 'looking dry,' whatever that means," Zoe held up the tube of moisturizer and squinted at the label on the front.

"'Specialist skincare for scars, stretchmarks, uneven skin tone'...geez, thanks Mum," she said, reading off the label and scoffing. Connor took the moisturizer from Zoe, pouring some of the oil onto his hands.

"She should have given it to me instead, I need all the help I can get."

He pulled down the top of his t-shirt and started rubbing it into the scar on his neck. Zoe stared for a moment, before reaching up and helping him rub it in, working her way from the side of his neck to the back, where the mark wasn't as obvious but still exposed with his hair tied up. Connor stared at his sister in the mirror, mindlessly rubbing his fingers against the front of his neck.

"It's really not that noticeable," Zoe said, looking up at Connor through the mirror, "it looks painful though. Does it still hurt?"

"Not physically," Connor replied, and Zoe opened her mouth to reply but quickly closed it and looked away from the mirror.

"Remember when we used to take baths together in here," Zoe said after a moment of uncomfortable silence, and Connor laughed loudly and turned around to face Zoe, ending the moment .

"What did I say about making it weird?"

Zoe laughed, "seriously though! Remember how you taught me how to wash my hair? I was too scared to pour the water over my head so you showed me how to do it?"

Connor smiled and looked at the bathtub, remembering well. They had grown up so close. Their parents had planned Connor, but Zoe came as a surprise just eighteen months later. They took baths together, had joint parties, shared a bedroom, ran away together (well, tried to run away; Mr Murphy found them the next block over, Zoe in tears because her backpack was too heavy, Connor in tears because Zoe was in tears.) They seemed closer, back in the bathroom, talking like normal siblings might; talking like they weren't working at fading the scar he got trying to die.

"Yeah, I do. You were so scared of the water going in your eyes," Connor said, pulling his t-shirt collar back up and washing his hands, Zoe sticking hers under the tap as well.

"I was a nightmare! It's a wonder they let me grow my hair out but wouldn't let you. I've seen photos of Dad from the 70's, he had no place to tell you you couldn't grow yours out too," Zoe said, and then she stuck out her chest and put on a deep voice in an impersonation of their father.

"Long hair is for girls and homos, now sit down and let your mother trim your hair!"

Connor tried to smile but felt his shoulders tighten at the words. She sounded nothing like Mr Murphy but the words were those he had heard over and over. Like the worst thing he could look like or be was a homo. Gay. Pansy. Fag. Queer. He heard them all, until eventually his parents realised his hair was the least of his issues and let him grow it without comment.

"S-sorry. Forget it. Dad was an asshole. He should have let you grow it however you wanted. Um, I'm...I'm gonna go to bed, I have to be up early tomorrow," Zoe said, knowing she had hit a nerve when Connor didn't reply.

"I'm glad you're hanging out with Evan though. And um, this," she motioned to the space between then, "it's good. Talking. To you. Properly." She balled her fist up and lightly play punched Connor's arm, "don't be late tomorrow asshole, I'm not waiting around again."

Connor watched Zoe leave the bathroom, face all oiled up and purple streaks of her hair tucked up into her bun. Still a prettier picture now then him on a good day. It was really no wonder Evan seemed to like her.

Which like, didn't matter. Because he told Evan she was dating someone.

Why did he say that? It wasn't even true. Although it could be true; between rehab and hospital and the mornings where he didn't get out of bed, maybe Zoe had started dating someone? They rarely talked and he tried to tune out whenever the family was together, so he could have missed that. Maybe he could ask tomorrow; after their bathroom bonding session they might talk like normal siblings tomorrow. Hopefully. And school would be a bit better because he and Evan could maybe spend lunch together and discuss Beetlejuice without getting interrupted by Evan's crush on Zoe or missing notebooks.

Hopefully.

Smelling like rose hip oil and whatever the fuck else was in that Bio-Oil potion, Connor slept somewhat peacefully for the first time in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor is so fucking insecure and lonely lol also Zoe's friends named after musical characters (this won't get crossover-y, I just took the names because I'm a little bitch)
> 
> A question; do you guys want Zoe to be queer in this? And Jared? I was originally keeping this close to canon (even though their sexualities are never stated) but people seem to love them both being queer characters so I thought I might include and explore that a bit too? Also Zolana? Thoughts?
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you all have a great weekend! I'm well into the next chapter and I'm excited because Jared! Finally!


	6. Chapter 6

Connor got a B on the essay when it was handed back on Tuesday. Evan got an A+; as it turned out, he was really good at Environmental Science. Connor had learned this and a lot more about Evan over the past few days, not because they were getting along so well - which they were, Zoe had realised this when their parents took Connor's phone off him because he wouldn't stop texting and had chores to do - but because Evan was a talker.

He'd learned a lot from it; Evan did well in class because he loved the subject matter. That was also the reason he had worked as an apprentice ranger at Ellison State Park over the summer, which Connor was glad he told him, because if he had to ask he might just laugh halfway through the question.

He learned that Evan was a vegetarian, he liked cats over dogs, he didn't drive but owned a bicycle, his favourite color was blue, his favourite music was "anything from the eighties...although Jared got me listening to Hamilton and I like that too," and his favourite movie was Little Shop of Horrors.

Man eating plant, go figure.

They would have to work on that. Right now, they were working on an assignment.

Technically only Evan was working on an assignment; Connor was waiting for the silence of the library to suffocate him. Connor was still behind on his work so Evan suggested they spend lunch in the library. Halfway through lunch the silence was interrupted, if not how Connor would have liked it.

"Evan! Connor? What are you doing, I've been waiting for you-" Jared Kleinman yelled across the library, but was quieted by Mrs Hook standing up at her desk next to the library door and giving him an equally loud 'shhhhh!' Jared animatedly mouthed 'sorry' then walked directly to the table Evan and Connor were sat at towards the back of the library.

"Where have you been? With Connor? Are you being held against your will, Evan? Blink once for no, twice for yes. I've been waiting at your locker like, twenty minutes! You were gonna give me those answers to that quiz Robinson set us, remember?" Jared said all at once, pulling out a chair loudly and sitting down on the side of the table closest to Evan.

"Sorry...I should have them here- sorry, I totally forgot...Connor and I were just going over this assignment..." Evan started, picking up his books and looking around for Jared's answers. Connor could just make out the print of a PlayStation control with the words 'control freak' written above it on Jared's graphic tee under his arms that he had crossed moodily across his chest.

"So, you're hanging out with Harry Styles now?" Jared asked, nodding towards Connor as Evan handed him the sheet of paper he had been looking for. Evan looked at Connor, who in turn was looking at Jared. Last time Connor and Jared had interacted it hadn't gone well, and this was looking like it might go the same way if Jared kept up his nicknames and comments.

Maybe a month ago Connor would have punched him.

Maybe that's what Evan was expecting.

What he wasn't expecting was this.

"You'd know, wouldn't you Kleinman? Evan tells me you have posters of One Direction all over your bedroom."

Jared's self assured smile was gone and his mouth hung open slightly. Then...

"In your wet dreams, Murphy. I'm strictly a Niall sort of guy myself."

Yes, what Evan was not expecting was _two of them._

"Of course, I should have guessed, you seem like the vanilla type," Connor replied, and Jared laughed loudly, clapping his hands together and getting the table an unhappy look from Mrs Hook.

"I underestimated you, Murphy," Jared said, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked Connor up and down, impressed, if the nods of his head were any indication. Connor stared back, looking just as impressed with himself as Jared was.  Evan was torn between being glad he wasn't breaking up a fist fight and running away now that there was double the amount of _whatever the hell this was._

"What is- you're not...you aren't fighting?" Evan said, confused but glad.

"...I don't think so," Jared said, drawing his words out as though he was speaking with a child, and Connor shook his head. Jared shook his head too, "yeah no, we're not fighting. Do you want us to? Because I'm down for jelly wrestling."

"Jared! I'm just confused...like, good confused; you two never got along..." Evan said.

It was confusing, Connor thought, as he looked at Evan's expression of complete confusion. He and Jared had never had much to do with each other - although neither had he and Evan until recently - and when they did, it was never friendly. But Jared was Evan's friend and he was Evan's friend so making an effort was the least he could do, and apparently Jared seemed to be on the same wavelength. Before Jared or Connor could reply, Alana Beck walked out from behind a nearby bookshelf, holding a large pile of books against her chest.

"Connor? Evan?"

"And Peggy!" Jared yelled ("shhhhh!") as Alana walked over to their table.

"And Jared," Alana said, smiling at the three boys. She placed her books down and pulled out a chair much more quietly then Jared had, and sat herself down without being asked, while Evan and Jared laughed over whatever Peggy was.

"What are you all doing in here? You really should be quieter, some people are trying to work," Alana said, giving Evan and Jared a pointed look.

"We're working....we were trying to work," Connor said, looking down at the work in front of him that was hardly more then a paragraph. Alana leaned in to look at the books spread between him and Evan.

"What are you working on?"

"Just catching up on-"

"Are you behind on work? I run a study group every second Monday, you should come along next week! I usually bake something for us to share, I was thinking maybe muffins next week, but if you preferred something else - brownies, cookies - let me know," Alana said before Connor could even finish.

"Something tells me Connor is more a brownie sort of guy," Jared said, winking at Connor across the table. Connor rolled his eyes at Jared who whispered '420' under his breath, before yelling out in pain when Alana kicked him in the shin underneath the table.

"Like I was saying, let me know if you can make it and I can make something that suits," Alana said, smiling kindly at Connor while Jared rubbed his leg with a scowl. Connor nodded and mirrored her smile despite himself. Maybe he would tweet her or show up at her study group.

"So, how long have you all been hanging out? I don't think I've ever seen you three together," Alana asked, looking across the table.

"As of like, five minutes ago. We haven't even signed our contracts yet, so its not official," Jared said, looking and sounding very serious, which made them all laugh.

The sat together for a while, Alana occasionally looking over Connor's shoulder to help him with an answer or definition, while Evan and Jared were discussing some video game Jared had been playing. Evan was tapping his fingers anxiously against the tabletop, but he seemed more comfortable them Connor had seen him in a while, and he was feeling rather the same way. It was almost physically tiring to keep up with Jared and Alana, but it was worth the effort. If there actually was a contract, he would probably sign it.

The library door clicked open and closed and Connor and Evan both looked up as Zoe walked into the library. She wasn't with any of her friends and her hair was pushed away from her face; she had obviously been looking for her brother across the school. Spotting Connor near the back of the room she walked towards the table, looking confused at the mix of people sitting together.

"What is this, the Breakfast Club?" Zoe asked as she reached the table, leaning against the side closest to Connor and crossing her arms across her chest, the corner of her mouth turning up in a smile.

"Only if I'm Molly Ringwald," Jared said, and Zoe stared at him for a moment before shaking her head and turning to Connor.

"Sure, princess. Connor, I have to stay back late tonight. You'll need to get yourself home, unless you wanted to stay back too."

Connor nodded, "sure. I'll walk, I'm not staying back."

"Mom would pick you up but she has Pilates...no, Bikram Yoga? Whatever. She's busy. Uh, sorry to interrupt, I'll leave you all be. Hey Evan," she added, smiling at Evan who mouthed 'hey' back without any sound coming out. Jared made an obscene gesture across the table, which Connor missed but Evan saw, and it sent him into a sudden coughing fit.

"You're welcome to stay if you like? I don't think we've met, I'm Alana Beck," Alana said from the other side of the table, standing up and reaching across the table - and a still coughing Evan - to Zoe. Zoe took Alana's hand and shook it.

"I've seen you play in Jazz Band, you're really talented!" Alana said, sitting back down. Zoe smiled, a blush rising in her cheeks. Evan felt himself blush as he realised Alana Beck had managed to say to Zoe what he had been trying to say for a year, probably longer.

"Thanks. You were in A Midsummer Nights Dream last year weren't you?" Zoe asked Alana, and Alana nodded so quickly she looked in danger of losing her head. Alana pulled the chair next to her out, motioning for Zoe to sit down. Zoe looked hesitantly at her brother before moving around the table to take the seat next to Alana. Evan leaned across the table to Connor.

"Uh, my Mom actually has tonight off, if you wanted she could drive you home? I mean, if you didn't want to walk," Evan said. Connor didn't mind walking, but a ride home with Evan would be better. The ride bit. That was better.

Whatever.

"She wouldn't mind?"

"No, not at all! She wants to meet you anyway," Evan replied, then his face went pink as he realised what he had said. He would hope that Connor hadn't heard it but he knew he had because they were in a library and also because Connor was smiling at him.

"You told your Mom about me?"

"Well...I mean she asked how my week wa-...yeah."

"Did you tell your Mom about me, Evan?" Jared interrupted in a high pitched voice, batting his eyelids at Evan, who rolled his eyes. Zoe caught Connor's eye across the table and gave him a surprised sort of smile, Alana holding her hand in hers and writing something on the back of her hand. Undoubtedly her Twitter handle.

They sat at the table for the remainder of lunch; Zoe outed Connor as having been the one to have taught her guitar when they were younger and it took a lot of explaining on his part as to how and why he had ever learned 'Wonderwall.' Alana made them all laugh with a story about the Principal allowing her to replace P.E with Trigonometry on the condition that she speed walked between classes, not that she meant to make them laugh, she in fact found it very reasonable indeed. Evan gave up on working and managed to not die while talking to Zoe for the third time this year, getting through an entire conversation about extra-curriculars without stuttering. Jared spent the rest of lunch debating weather Connor was the basket case or criminal of their Breakfast Club.

And as much as Mrs Hook may have wanted for them all to disappear, Connor didn't feel much like that at all.

 

* * *

  
Ms Hansen's car was probably thirty years older then Zoe's, and made some questionable sounds when she pulled up to the curb in the pickup zone after school finished. Evan climbed into the back seat and moved across to the far side, making space for Connor to climb in next to him, bags piled on the middle seat. Ms Hansen turned around from the front seat and smiled at the them, teeth all on show and wrinkles appearing around her eyes.

"You must be Connor! I'm Heidi, Evan's Mom," she said, "Evan has told me so much about you! He's been stuck to his phone for the last week..." She nudged her head in Evan's direction. Connor looked over at Evan with raised eyebrows, but he was staring out his window, cheeks and ears bright pink.

Evan didn't look a lot like his Mom, but there were similarities. They had the same blue eyes, blonde hair and when they smiled they both got the same creases around their mouth and eyes. She seemed to have come straight from work, wearing a pair of light blue scrubs with a long sleeved shirt underneath that was stained with Connor-didn't-want-to-know-what around the cuffs. She looked tired, discoloured skin under her eyes and deep lines on her forehead, but happy.

"Mom, please drive," Evan urged monotone from his seat, and Heidi rolled her eyes which made Connor chuckle, before turning back to the front and shifting the car to drive.

"So, where are we headed? Am I taking you straight home Connor? You're welcome to stay for dinner if that's okay with your parents? It's Taco Tuesday and there's more then enough for all of us."

"Um...sure," Connor said uncertainly, turning to Evan to who said in a low voice, "if you want to go home just tell her, you don't have to play along." Heidi cleared her throat loudly from the front seat and made eye contact with Evan in the rear view mirror.

"I heard that Evan," she said, and Evan spent the rest of the ride looking out of his window so that all Connor could  see of him was how pink the entire side of his face still was. Connor sent a text to Mrs Murphy to let her know that he would be home in a couple of hours.

The ride didn't last long, before Heidi could ask Connor any more questions they were pulling into the driveway of a house on a quiet street on the opposite side of town to where Connor lived. The front garden was well maintained, but the small house itself looked in need of some work, the porch gutter full of leaves and paint peeling from the front door. Connor and Evan followed Heidi into the house with their school bags.

"You'll have to excuse the mess Connor, I've been at work all day so I'm a bit behind on cleaning," Heidi said as she unlocked the door and led them inside. The house wasn't tidy, but it wasn't a mess; there were piles of paper, notebooks, pamphlets and coupons on the tables and counter space, and baskets of unfolded washing on the couches. There weren't a lot of decorations around - none of the vases or paintings the Murphy's had decorating their living areas - but there were a lot of framed photos of Evan in each room. It looked more like a home then then the house Connor had spent his whole life in.

"I'm going to have a shower," Heidi said, hanging up her bag and keys and looking at her shirt in distaste, "Evan give our guest a tour! We should have some drinks in the fridge, I think there's some soda left from last night, juice, Kool-Aid. Make yourself at home Connor." And she walked off, leaving Connor and Evan standing in the living room.

"Sorry, she's a bit much," Evan said, looking towards the bathroom once he heard the door close, "I don't really have people over much as you can probably tell," he said, picking at the edge of his cast. Connor chuckled and shook his head and Evan looked up, eyebrows knitted together in worry.

"Don't apologise for her, she's really nice," Connor said, genuinely. Evan's expression softened a bit and when the sound of the shower starting up from the bathroom started, he pointed towards the hall.

"Uh, my room is down this way if you wanted to leave your bag in there," Evan said, and he lead the way to the back of the house. Evan's bedroom was small like the rest of the house, walls painted baby blue with the odd school certificate or postcard stuck on the wall. There was a row of six or seven small cactuses in individual pots lining his window ledge, with a couple of interesting shaped rocks and gems on the other end of the ledge. His bed was made and his desk was organised, a calendar - open on the month of September, a photograph of the Grand Canyon - marked all over with blue and red pen. A small TV sat on a cabinet in the corner of his room.

"Sorry its so messy," Evan said, picking a jacket up off his bed and throwing it into his closet. Connor took of his backpack and sat down on the end of Evan's bed and looked around, smiling.

"Wait until you see my room, you can't even open the door all the way," Connor said. Evan hovered by the closet doors for a moment before walking over to the bed and sitting down near his pillow, about as far from Connor as he could be while still on the mattress.

"It's not much," Evan said, looking at Connor as he looked around the room. Connor shook his head dismissing Evan's comment and leaned back against the end of Evan's bed frame. Evan looked out the window because it was much easier to look out the window then it was to turn around and look at Connor.

Connor Murphy in his bedroom on his bed.

"I like the cactuses, they're very you," Connor said, noticing Evan was staring right at the window. He looked down at them fondly, smiling.

"Thanks. They're the only plants Mom lets me keep indoors. I'm allowed to plant whatever I like outside though, so I don't mind," Evan said, finally looking away and back at Connor.

On his bed.

"Did you want to go outside? If not we could watch something or finish off that work from lunch or we could just...?" Evan's voice trailed off, not really knowing what teenage boys did when they had a friend over. When he went to Jared's house Jared played video games and would occasionally let him join in. Evan didn't really like video games, and something told him Connor wasn't the Call of Duty type either.

"Outside sounds good," Connor said. Evan was glad. Because he loved the outdoors. Obviously.

Not because he couldn't look at Connor on his bed for any longer. Obviously.

Evan got up and Connor followed him down the hallway and out through the small kitchen into a fenced off backyard. It was a larger yard then Connor had expected. The garden wasn't as well maintained as the front yard, but it seemed deliberate, bushes and small shrubs placed together strategically to create balance across the yard. There were a few trees, the biggest one near the back corner of the yard.

"It doesn't look like much at the moment, but in spring um, a lot of these will flower," Evan said, waving a hand towards a row of bushes near them. Evan walked into the yard a bit further and Connor followed.

"What's up there?" Connor asked, pointing towards the big tree. There was a wooden platform halfway up the tree, balanced between a branch and the trunk, small pieces of wood nailed into the trunk creating a ladder up to the platform.

"Um," Evan said, and Connor couldn't tell if he laughed or sighed, "when I was little my Dad and I started building a treehouse. That's- that's as far as we got...um, before he left," Evan finished quietly, staring up at the platform and the spaces between the wooden ladder from pieces that had fallen out after years of abandonment.

"Oh. Sorry," Connor said, wishing he had never asked, "if it helps, my Dad took our tree house down."

Evan looked away from the tree and gave Connor a questioning look.

"...I pushed our neighbour out of it when I was eight."

Evan laughed and Connor felt a bit better.

They walked around the yard a couple of times, Connor retelling the story ("He was fine." "You just said he was in a wheelchair for two months!?") and Evan pointing out plants that were points of interest. They then made their way into the front yard and back again, the sky around them starting to grow cold and dark.

Heidi called out after a while and Evan led Connor back inside and into the kitchen. Fiesta music was playing from a speaker connected to a phone on the counter, and Heidi was dancing along as she moved bowls of taco fillings from the counter to the table. She had changed into sweatpants and a knitted jumper, her damp hair air drying. Her face lit up as the boys walked in and Evan's cheeks lit up as she continued dancing.

"The music? Really?" Evan asked.

"Taco Tuesday! It's atmosphere! I found this playlist on Spotify," she said, sounding impressed with herself as she set plates down on the table. Connor took a seat next to Evan at the small table and Heidi sat opposite, leaving the music playing in the background.

"Evan and I always make stay at home plans for Taco Tuesday but the last few weeks I've had work," Heidi said as they started assembling tacos, "so you've come on a good night Connor!"

Connor wasn't hungry but after skipping lunch to work in the library, his stomach felt empty. He loaded his tacos up with everything on offer, which seemed to impress Heidi; Evan was eating a single soft shell taco filled with rice and beans she had given him in a bowl separate to the ground beef she and Connor were sharing between them. She made a joke at vegetarian's expense that made Connor laugh and an apparently long suffering Evan shake his head, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards as he fought back a laugh.

Heidi asked Connor and Evan a lot of questions during dinner - "How long have you two been hanging out?" "Where do you live?" "Is Zoe your sister?" ("Mom!") - and even though it was kind of uncomfortable answering, it was good being spoken to and not at for a change. Connor couldn't remember the last time he had actually enjoyed dinner.

After ten minutes of what Evan called 'interrogation' ("I'm being polite!") a new song started playing and Heidi put down her food and stood up, walking to the speaker and turning the volume up with a smile. She turned back to the boys and started clapping along to the beat, gesturing for them to stand up as 'La Bamba' by Ritchie Valens started playing. Evan moaned and put his hands over his face as Heidi danced over to them.

"Dance with me! Blah blah blah lala la bamba!"

"Mooom, we're not kids! Stop- stop dancing!"

Heidi took Evan's hands off his face and pulled him into the middle of the kitchen with his good hand. He looked back at Connor to check that he was still there and not running for the hills. Connor was laughing and clapping to the song in time with Heidi. Heidi returned to the table for Connor, who shook his head and held his hands up, but she took the opportunity to take his hands and pull him up. He let her lead him to the middle of the kitchen before resuming her attempt at singing in Spanish, dancing around the two of them.

Connor bent his knees despite himself.

Started bouncing up and down.

Heidi clapped.

Then Evan started shuffling his feet in time to the music.

Which was fast.

Heidi clapped again and Connor joined in because.

It was fast.

Then they were all laughing.

Dancing to Ritchie Valens on Taco Tuesday.

Heidi took Evan's hand and did a strange attempt at a waltz while Connor clapped them on, bouncing around without moving his feer. Evan raised his good arm and twisted it so Heidi spun around underneath a couple of times, her hair hitting Evan in the face as she went which just made them all laugh harder. Heidi eventually let go of Evan's hand and leaned against the bench, holding her hand to her head after spinning around. Evan was dancing around messily and smiling; teeth on show and eyes small and everything.

Connor took a step closer. Made it look like a dance move.

Took Evan's hand.

Evan looked at their hands for a moment and then back up at Connor, his mouth open slightly. He closed it quickly. Then laughed. Connor raised his arm and Evan spun underneath like Heidi had, made difficult because he and Connor were both bouncing along to the music, but he didn't break away and kept spinnin-

The music stopped and a generic ringtone filled the room. Connor dropped his arm while Evan was midway through a turn as they both turned to look at the source of the noise. Heidi cursed and ran over to her phone. She unplugged the phone from the speaker and answered it, sounding quite out of breath after her singing efforts, and left the kitchen. Evan looked up at Connor. Realised they were still holding hands.

Connor Murphy in his bedroom on his bed.

Holding hands with Connor Murphy in his kitchen after the music had stopped.

Both of them let go at once and Connor tried to discretely wipe his hand on his pants while Evan did the exact same thing. Evan's face was pink and Connor wasn't sure if it was from the dancing or embarrassment, but he was sure his face looked the exact same, but probably not for either of those reasons.

The music had stopped, in fact the music had _died_ and Ritchie Valens had died too

So Connor wasn't going to consider the actual reason.

"That was the hospital. Sandra's sitter cancelled on her and they need someone to cover," Heidi said, walking back into the room and pocketing her phone, "I've got to go in as soon as possible. Connor, I'm really sorry but I'll have to drop you back home on the way."

Connor nodded and Heidi left the kitchen quickly, her bedroom door closing behind her. Evan led Connor back to his room without saying anything, and Connor picked up his bag. Evan's face was still red, and Connor decided it was definitely from the dancing. They met Heidi back at the front door a few minutes later as she left her bedroom, pulling her hair up with one hand and taking her keys off the hook with the other.

"Evan honey, I'm sorry, can you clear those dishes from the table? Any leftovers can go in the fridge. I should be home by the time you leave for school," she said in the one breath, sounding a lot like Evan himself. Evan nodded, and she walked up to him and gave him a one armed hug, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"Have a good shift," he said weakly as Heidi opened the door. Connor followed her outside, where it was now dark. Connor turned back to Evan, who was standing just inside the door, fingers back on his cast.

"Thanks for...saving me from walking," Connor said, feeling stupid.

"Thanks for-...see you tomorrow."

Evan stood by the door as Connor and Heidi got back in the car and reversed back out into the street. He raised his hand and waved as they drove off, and Connor hoped it was dark enough that Heidi couldn't see his face because it was definitely still red and definitely a giveaway. Heidi didn't talk much during the ride home, just asking for directions and apologising that she had to go to work. She also apologised that she wouldn't be able to stop and meet his parents which Connor really couldn't be more thankful for, because his Mom would probably cry with relief if she knew he was at a friends house and his Dad would invite Heidi in for dinner.

"Thanks for everything tonight. The ride, dinner..." Connor said, as Heidi pulled up outside his house.

"My pleasure, you're always welcome. I'm really glad you and Evan are hanging out, he um...he struggles a lot with the whole friends thing," she said, looking sad.

"Me too," Connor said, and Heidi smiled. Connor opened the car door and got out.

"Like I say, you're always welcome. See you later Connor," Heidi said and Connor smiled and shut the door. Heidi drove off and Connor realised just how late it was and just how tired he was. He also realised how close to happy he was. This social thing was exhausting but rewarding. As he walked up his driveway and to the house, his phone vibrated repeatedly in his pocket.

 

**Received: 7:44pm**  
_I hope my Mom wasn't weird driving you home._

 

**Received: 7:44pm**  
_She didn't tell you about the time Jared had to get picked up in the middle of the night because I had a panic attack on my birthday in seventh grade, did she?_

 

**Received: 7:45pm**  
_If she didn't; that was a thing that happened._

 

**Received: 7:45pm**  
_Speaking of Jared I'm glad you two got along today. He's a jerk but I think I'm stuck with him (thanks Mom.)_

 

**Received: 7:45pm**  
_Shit, I'm rambling. Even though you left like, 8 minutes ago. Sorry._

 

**Received: 7:45pm**  
_Please don't tell anyone my Mom made us have a dance party over dinner, she hasn't done that since I was twelve._

 

**Sent: 7:47pm**  
_**I wasn't meant to tell anyone? This is awkward because I've already sold the story to CNN.** _

 

Connor ignored his parents as they greeted him when he walked in the door, everyone home and done with dinner by now, reading through the multiple messages Evan had sent in the ten minutes since they had seen each other. His phone vibrated in his hand once more and he read the new message, a hyperlink. He shook off his parents and went into his bedroom, sitting down on his bed without turning the light on. Clicked on the link. The video clip to 'Wonderwall' by Oasis started playing on YouTube, and Connor almost snorted with laughter. He went back to his messages to see the text Evan sent along with the link.

 

**Received: 7:53pm**

_In that case, it's only fair that I alert the press that you know Wonderwall._

Connor fell back on his bed with a smile and stared at the ceiling while the damned song played all the way through.

Yeah, Richie Valens died. In a plane crash.

That sounded like a good option at this point.

Better then having a crush on Evan Hansen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of trouble with this chapter, and originally had Jared and Connor not getting along. But then I thought about it and realised I can totally see them having a real smartarse friendship where they're constantly trying to one up the other. I don't know, I could see it and I just want this story to get a bit happier.
> 
> I 100% based the dance scene on something my Mum did (on a taco night even.) Heidi is really OCC but she's an angel and I want to write her happy! She! Is! Trying! (Also you just know that when Evan and Connor get married La Bamba is gonna come on at the reception and Connor is gonna grab Heidi and they'll dance like idiots in the middle of the dance floor.) 
> 
> Also shoutout to Kristolyn for the tweet about Alana speed walking between classes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry for such a late update. My family is going through a lot at the moment so I've been very busy and have been lacking motivation. This is pretty unfinished but I wanted to post something. I'm sorry that this probably reflects my mental state, but thanks for waiting.

**Sent: 7:02am**  
_**Dear Evan Hansen,** _  
_**Today is going to be a good day and here's why; because, today is gonna be the day that they're gonna give it back to you. By now you should've somehow realised what you gotta do.** _

 

 

 

* * *

 

Not a crush. This was another thing his brain had wrong with it. Another imbalance. Was there a way to up his meds without telling his therapist that? Not that more meds were good but this was just; not good. No matter how happy it left him feeling it wasn't _good_ to feel this way about your new best friend who was straight and into your sister.

They hadn't mentioned that again, mostly because Evan became a mess whenever Zoe was mentioned in conversation but also Connor just...didn't need to hear it. Zoe joined them at lunch and between classes a bit now. So did Alana and Jared. Connor was sure his therapist almost had a stroke when he told him that he was spending time with people at school, and his sister nonetheless. He took down a full page of notes which made Connor sort of proud. That hadn't happened before.

* * *

 

Evan asked Connor if he wanted to hang out on the weekend. They chose to go to a large park on Connor's side of the town, the 'good side' as Evan called it, although Connor though that there wasn't much good about the people who lived there; all soccer Moms who named their kids after types of fruit and went to PTA like it was a career. But the parks were better, so they ended up wandering around a large park after lunch on Saturday.

"This is a nice park."

"Yeah. The police found me passed out here once," Connor said nonchalantly. Evan was quiet for a moment.

"I remember that. Jake Hunter told everyone you went on a 'cocaine fuelled bender.'"

"That's not true, but there's an idea."

"I'm not really in the mood, can we reschedule for next Saturday?"

"Damn, I'm busy popping pills that day. Shame."

"We should be quiet, there's kids around," Evan said, looking around nervously at the few families scattered about the park and on the walking trail ahead. A family pushing a stroller with two children running behind them passed, the parents holding hands and smiling at the boys as the passed.

"Fuck kids...wait, that came out wrong. Oh my God, stop laughing," Connor said to Evan who was shaking his head and laughing.

"You're so paranoid, it didn't even sound wrong until you said that," Evan laughed at Connor, who was running his hands through his hair with an embarrassed smile tugging at his lips. Evan spoke after he stopped laughing.

"Do you ever want to have a family?"

"No," Connor said quickly, even though it was something he had never given much thought, because what was the point of planning a family when you couldn't even plan your suicide?

"Do you?"

Evan shrugged his shoulders and made a sound of indifference.

"I don't know. My- my Dad was never around and when I was younger I used to think to myself, 'when I'm a Dad, I'll be everything he wasn't.' That's um...that's a pretty bad reason to have a family though," he said almost as an afterthought, shrugging again.

"What do you want?" Connor asked, as they continued slowly down the walking track. Evan sighed loudly and thought for a moment before he spoke.

"I don't know," he said, "more then this."

"Thanks," Connor said mockingly and Evan threw his hands up in fake frustration, the two of them laughing. Evan sighed again.

"I always thought I might like to be a ranger...like a park ranger? But working at the park this summer, I don't know. It wasn't- I don't know. What about you?" Evan said.

"No comment," Connor said deadpan, and they fell into silence for a while, passing only the occasional runner or family on the track, the sky growing overcast. Connor was glad to hear Evan had no idea what he wanted out of life either. It was hard to plan when you didn't want to be alive. His whole life his teachers and parents had said he would be a good writer, although his Dad always said he should work for him at the firm. He didn't say that so much anymore.

Connor was pulled from his thoughts by thick raindrops falling onto his face. Connor looked up at the sky which was a dark grey. Connor laughed as he turned to Evan who had stopped walking and was standing doubled over on the edge of the path, pulling the bottom of his polo down and wrapping it over his cast.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm not supposed to get my cast wet," Evan said with a note of panic in his voice, and Connor rolled his eyes and pulled off his hoodie and handed it to Evan, folding his arms across his chest as the rain started to dampen his t-shirt.

"Are you sure? You'll get cold."

"I'm sure, just hurry up so we can find cover."

Evan nodded quickly and threw the hoodie on and the two of them started running through the park which had become quite abandoned in just a few minutes as the rain started to fall heavier. Evan ran behind Connor who knew the area better then Evan and after a few minutes they ran into a cul-de-sac. Connor lead the way to the end and onto the front porch of a large two storey house. Connor fell backwards against the front door, out of breath. Evan leaned against the wall for support and wrung out the bottom of his t-shirt which was soaked through.

"Drowned is a good look on you," Evan laughed once they had caught their breaths. He pointed at Connor's hair which was so much longer then he had realised and made him look even more...what had Jared said? School shooter? Not quite. Something close to it. Connor shook his head and sent water flying at Evan.

"You pull it off better."

Connor pulled a key from his jeans pocket and unlocked the front door and they stepped inside, a wave of heat washing over them as they shut the rain out. Connor felt stupid standing in the entrance of his house as Evan looked around, the house looking more like a display model then the home Evan lived in. The couches were a step away from being covered in plastic sheeting and Connor considered finding towels so as not to stain the carpet on the way to his room but decided against it, leading Evan upstairs and leaving a trail of wet footsteps behind them.

"Is anyone home?" Evan asked, voice unsteady as he started to shake from the cold water soaking him.

"No, Zoe was going to the library with Alana and my parents have some bullshit business lunch at Dad's work. They wanted me to come so they could keep an eye on me but I told them your Mom invited me over," Connor said, smirking.

"Don't jinx yourself, you're all my Mom has talked about since you came over," Evan replied as they came to the end of the upstairs hall to Connor's bedroom, complete with a 'keep out' sign on the door.

"Nice touch, Hot Topic," Evan laughed.

"I'm going to murder Kleinman for ever coming up with that."

Connor pushed a pile of who-knew-what aside with his foot as he led Evan into his room, looking even more depressing then usual with the rain beating against the window on the opposite wall. His room was significantly larger then Evan's, a double bed with unmade and unmatched sheets pushed into the corner. The room was mostly messy and lacking personality; a couple of old film and band posters stuck at random places along the walls but aside from that nothing to give away much of Connor's personality at all. A large bookshelf overflowing with DVD's, CD's, records and books was in the other corner, and Connor's desk and the infamous pile of homework were against the wall. Books, papers and clothes lay across the floor, and clothes in mostly varying shades of black were piled on top of Connor's dresser. Evan noted with a pang that the railing in his open closet had been removed.

Connor mumbled something about towels under his breath and returned a minute later holding a large stack of plush towels in his arms, handing three over to Evan who accepted them with shaking hands. Raising an eyebrow he set two aside and wrapped the third around himself. Connor pulled some clothes from a pile, a knitted maroon sweater and pair of old black jeans that were worn enough to fit Evan, and gave them to him.

"They should fit."

"Th-thanks."

Connor stared at Evan for a moment, water dripping into his eyes and down his back, before turning away and wrapping a towel around his own body, walking to the opposite side of the room. Back turned to Evan, Connor gathered his wet hair and tied it into a tight bun and then peeled his t-shirt off his body, patting himself dry with the towel.

"Um...I- uh...Connor...I think- can I have a hand?"

Connor turned around and tried hard not to laugh at the sight of Evan standing backed into the opposite corner of the room, his broken arm caught up in Connor's hoodie and his polo shirt above his head, his other arm holding the towel close to his body so as not to expose any skin. Connor sat his towel around his neck and walked over to Evan, who was possibly going to dry himself with the heat radiating from his cheeks.

Connor chuckled and Evan grew redder, breaking eye contact. Connor took his bad arm and worked it free from where it had become stuck in the wet fabric. Connor moved around his to pull the hoodie off, and tossed it to floor. Holding Evan's arm in place he pulled his shirt up, and, made more difficult by Evan holding onto his towel for dear life, pulled it over his head. Evan lowered the towel and with Connor's help, got the shirt over his head.

Evan looked at Connor but Connor broke eye contact this time, instead grabbing the jumper he got for Evan and unfolding it, holding it out. Evan raised both arms hesitantly, and Connor placed the jumper over his head and took his bad arm, working his cast easily into the loose fabric. Connor took the bottom of the jumper and pulled it down, his fingers brushing against Evan's stomach. Evan audibly gasped and met Connor's eyes again. Connor didn't move his hands and instead rested his fingers against Evan's hip, running his thumb along his skin.

"C-Connor-"

Maybe Evan was going numb from the cold or maybe it was because Connor's fingers were softer then he would have imagined, which he hadn't...because if he was thinking about what anyone's fingers felt like it would be Zoe's, but it wasn't even like he thought about Zoe like that anyway; thinking about Zoe was when she wore real daisies in her braids and drew stars on the cuffs of her jeans and her nails painted with glitter polish even though none of the other girls had done that since they were in fifth grade.

But thinking about Connor was like taking a Valium but without the side effects and it was messy handwriting on his cast and movie references he had to Google while Connor wasn't looking and how his eyes were mostly blue but one of them was half brown and Evan had never seen that in a person in real life before and his nails painted black even though none of the boys had ever done that and dancing in the kitchen and laughing in the rain and maroon jumpers and-

Thinking about Connor was all he did.

And it was all he could think about with Connor so close. Like really close, like if this was Jared or Zoe or literally anyone else he would have walked away by now but it was Connor, it was Connor, _oh my God_ it was Connor Murphy, so why wasn't he walking away and why was he wanting to get closer and wh-  
   
"Hey there y- oh...Evan...am I interrupting something?"

Connor practically stepped halfway across the room as they both turned to look at Zoe who was standing in the doorway, her hair wet with dark patches on her jacket from the rain, though she obviously hadn't been caught out like the two of them. Her eyebrows were raised as she looked from Connor to Evan, from Connor's bare chest to Evan in Connor's clothes.

"Yeah, my lif-" "No!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude...I called out, I thought you would have heard me get home but the rain is really loud up here," Zoe said, pointing to the roof, "anyway I was just checking if you were here. Which you are. So is Evan. Hi Evan. Cool. I'm going now," Zoe finished quickly, reaching for Connor's door handle and pulling the door shut loudly. Connor looked at Evan who looked as embarrassed as he felt and opened his mouth to say something, when the door opened again and Zoe stuck her head in.

"I forgot to mention, Alana is over and we're gonna watch a movie if you wanted to join us," she finished, shutting the door again. Evan nodded at Connor who nodded back and they both turned away from each other, finishing getting dressed quickly. Connor didn't want to look at Evan as he walked ahead of him back down the stairs because then he might have to acknowledge how good he looked in Connor's jeans.

If Zoe didn't interrupt Evan was either going to kiss him or push him away or pass out from hypothermia. Likely the last one, because he was straight and he liked Zoe and Connor didn't want to think about it and definitely not think about his jeans.

* * *

 

Zoe shut the door and rested her forehead which seemed to be burning against the wooden door, before pulling away and walking back down the stairs. She had expected Connor to be asleep or passed out, not...whatever that was. With Evan Hansen.  
   
"He was upstairs, he didn't hear because of the rain," Zoe said as she walked back into the living room, Alana sitting stiffly on the couch with a pile of pillows and blankets they'd taken from Zoe's bedroom. They had spent the morning at the library and planned on seeing a movie but the lines had been too long so they'd come back to the Murphy's. Alana turned quickly to face Zoe and seemed to relax as she walked over.

"Is he okay?"

Zoe considered for a moment how fucked up it was that Alana who she had known for little more then a week seemed more concerned with Connor's safety then she was, but she nodded and sat down next to Alana, pulling a blanket into her own lap and looking down at the fabric distractedly.

"Yeah, he's fine. Um...Evan's here too. That's...new. They were- never mind," she said, reaching for the remote on the coffee table and turning on the large television mounted to the wall opposite them.

"What?"

"It doesn't-...I think I interrupted them," Zoe said in a low voice, turning to Alana who shifted to face her.

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. I interrupted like, a moment."

Alana looked behind her at the door to see if the boys were nearby, then turned back to Zoe and asked in an almost whisper, "a moment? Like a 'moment' moment?"  Zoe nodded, eyes wide.

"Zoe, is Connor...?"

Zoe pulled away a little and looked towards the door as well, then bit her lip.

"I don't know- I don't...I don't want to know. Ew. He's my brother. Evan isn't- is he?"

"I don't know. I've never seen him with anyone before, he could be? But I always thought he liked you," Alana added, looking at Zoe who chewed on her bottom lip again and said 'ew' under her breath.

"Don't be mean, Evan's nice," Alana said, both of them turning around to check that they weren't being listened to, then turning back to each other.

"I know! He's just not m-...whatever. Forget this conversation. Connor and Evan are coming down to watch the movie with us, that's all I said," Zoe said, turning the volume up on the TV and unfolding the blanket to rest across her and Alana. Alana's eyes remained on Zoe for a moment before she nodded and turned to face the TV as well.

* * *

 

Alana and Zoe were sitting in the living room with a pile of pillows from Zoe's bedroom and the curtains drawn, the sound of the rain drowned out by the surround sound of the large television on the wall opposite the sofa. The two girls exchanged looks as Evan walked into the room in Connor's clothes.

Connor would half wonder why Alana Beck was in his living room if not for the fact that he was trying to compose himself after whatever happened back in his room. Alana's face brightened as she saw Evan and Connor and she moved along on the sofa to make room for them. Evan took a seat next to Alana, who handed him a throw. Connor sat down in the recliner to the side of the couch, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs.

"You two got soaked," Alana said, looking over Evan and Connor, whose noses had both gone pink from the cold. Connor avoided looking at anything but the TV as Alana and Evan discussed the weather and Zoe pressed play and the opening crawl of Star Wars started.

"Alana's never seen Star Wars," Zoe declared, moving closer to Alana and pulling the blanket covering her across her knees as well. Alana rolled her eyes and made a Vulcan salute which Zoe pushed away, laughing.

"What about you Evan, are you more a Trekkie or a...wait, what are Star Wars fans even called?"

"Popular?"

"Hey!"

"I- I'm with Zoe. I don't think I've ever seen Star Trek," Evan said, and Alana sighed in fake exasperation.

"Evan is a Jedi, and we have Kylo Ren over here," Zoe said with a smug smile, nodding in Connor's direction. Connor rolled his eyes and focused on the film as it began.

It was hard to focus because Alana kept talking and Zoe seemed torn between replying and shushing her, and Connor and Evan kept exchanging looks, or half doing it anyway because every time Connor looked over his mind wandered in the most awkward sort of way. Halfway into the movie, the rain outside starting to ease up, Connor's phone vibrated and he heard someone else's vibrate.

 

**'Jared Kleinman invited you to his event HALLOWEEN 2k16'**

 

"Did anyone else just get an invite from Jared to a Halloween party?" Zoe asked, looking at her phone, and Evan and Alana both pulled out their phones and nodded.

"Yeah! 'My parents are out of town for the weekend so it's time to-' oh, I am not reading that," Alana said, scrolling through the event and reading through the description as everyone else did the same thing on their phones.

"We should have invited him today, I bet he loves Star Wars," Zoe said, looking up from her phone and sighing at the three of them. Evan nodded, placing his phone down.

"He does. When we were i-in first grade he had a Star Wars themed birthday party and dressed as Han Solo and when Matt- Matt Holster showed up in the same costume he threw Lego at him."

"And I'm the one with the reputation for throwing things?" Connor asked from his chair, and everyone laughed and Connor just rolled his eyes, his mouth set in a cheeky smirk.

"No one tell him we watched this, we'll all be in danger," Alana laughed.

"I'm going to show up at this party wearing a Han Solo costume, just to see if he throws something," Connor said. They all laughed harder before they responded to the invite, Connor clicking the 'maybe' option. Alana and Zoe started talking about costume ideas and Star Wars became background noise as Connor started scrolling through Facebook now that it was open on his phone.

The movie ended not long after, stopping Alana and Zoe's conversation and making Connor accept his fate as having to eventually talk to Evan again. Evan stood up and folded the throw he had been using and placed it back on the couch.

"I should be getting home, my Mom will probably be home soon," Evan said, standing awkwardly with everyone's eyes on him before walking towards to doorway muttering something about getting his clothes from Connor's room under his breath.

"Do you want me to drive you home? If its still raining you shouldn't walk," Zoe offered, and Evan thanked her and shook his head, leaving the room. Connor stood up and followed Evan back up the stairs, leaving Alana and Zoe exchanging looks, before Zoe started harassing Alana for her opinion of Star Wars.

Connor stood in the hallway outside his room as Evan picked up his wet clothes and folded them, then pulled on his wet sneakers. Connor walked into the room and poked around in his closet for a minute, pulling out a plastic bag and offering it to Evan to place his wet clothes in, before they made their way back downstairs. Alana and Zoe were still in the living room and they both waved as Evan and Connor walked across the hall to the doorway.

"See you Monday, Evan! Live long and prosper!"

"B-bye Alana...may the force be with you," he said, laughing, and Zoe laughed loudly as Alana rolled her eyes at the pair of them. Zoe waved goodbye to Evan and he and Connor walked through the front door and out onto the porch. It had stopped raining, but water was still dripping from the roof which was making loud gurgling noises.

"Are you sure you don't want Zoe to drive you? My parents will be home soon and can drive you if you don't want to go with her," Connor said, feeling stupid that he had to offer for his younger sister to drive because his parents took his permit off him.

"Oh no, it's fine, really. The walk isn't that far, if I cut back across the park I'll be home in no time."

"Whatever you say. Do you- do you want me to come? I can...carry your bag?"

Evan lifted the plastic bag a bit and looked at it the raised an eyebrow, then almost giggled. He handed the bag to Connor and started walking down the porch steps and out into the street. Connor followed, and they set off down the street. Most of the neighbours were home, a lot of blinds and curtains closed against the rain. They walked slower then usual, Connor keeping next to Evan and quietly telling him neighbourhood gossip with every house they passed.

"That's where Chad Smith's family lives...he was a year above us and had a full ride football scholarship but right before graduation he got charged with possession and now he lives in Ohio with his Grandparents. Oh, and that's where Lacey Peters lives...her parents are getting a divorce because her Dad was sleeping with their gardener, Enrique."

"You're making this up."

"I couldn't think this shit up if I was high Evan, especially not sober. My Mom just gossips a lot."

"Tell me about that house, the one with the blue door."

"Oh, the Andersons? She's pregnant to her husbands twin brother."

"You made that one up."

"...I definitely made that one up."

They walked back through the empty park not really caring about the wet grass because their shoes were still wet from earlier. Evan had really downplayed how close their houses were. Connor regretted not picking up a jacket on his way out because it was cold and only going to get colder as the afternoon turned into evening. After a while they walked into Evan's street and up to his house, Heidi's car in the driveway and the front window lit up with a golden light.

"You can come in if you want- Mom won't try as hard as she did last time, she really does like you," Evan said.

"It's alright, I should head back before it gets dark. Tell your Mom I said hi though," Connor replied, nodding towards the house and smiling, which Evan returned.

"Will do. Thanks for the dry clothes, I'll wash them and bring them to school on Monday," Evan said, indicating the clothes he was wearing. Connor waved a hand dismissively.

"Keep them, they suit you- um...they- keep them," Connor stuttered, and Evan smiled because he didn't know how else to take that. Connor put his hands into his pants pockets and looked at the ground and took a steadying breath.

"Um, I'm sorry- about...before in my- in my room. I...shouldn't have..." Connor said, waving his hands at the space between them and Evan balled his hands up and put them in his pockets too, mirroring Connor, before pulling them out and wiping them against his jeans.

"It's fine. I don't mind."

"No, it was out of line- you just needed help and- sorry, it's my meds, they make me-"

"I don't mind."

Evan-did-I-fucking-stutter-Hansen.

"Tell me about this house," Evan said when Connor didn't reply, distracted thinking a million thoughts about whatever 'I don't mind' meant. Evan pointed towards his house and they turned to look at it, Connor's mouth turning up into a smirk.

"This one? Some kid from school lives there with his Mom...Ethan? Eric? I don't know," Connor said, "he's totally weird."

Evan laughed loudly and elbowed Connor in the side, and Connor poked him in the arm as he laughed too.

"Kidding. That one is my best friends house."

Evan stopped laughing and smiled, swallowing a lump in his throat. Connor grinned cheekily at Evan and elbowed him on his good side and making him laugh again. 

"Are you sure you don't want to come in?"

"Yeah," Connor said, holding out the bag of Evan's clothes. Evan took it and held it tightly against his body, then looked away and started walking back towards his house. Connor wrapped his arms around himself and watched Evan walk away. Connor started back in the direction he came as Evan shut the door behind him, feeling his cheeks burn against the cold air.

Again, the jeans.

* * *

 

"Evan, put your phone away! We never have dinner, talk to me," Heidi sang across her bowl of pasta, and Evan reluctantly placed his phone down and picked up his fork, poking around his bowl.

"Who are you texting anyway?" Heidi asked, raising one eyebrow, "is it Zoe? You have your Zoe face on."

"Zoe face? What do you mean 'Zoe face?' This is just my face, my normal face, not my Zoe face, which doesn't exist because I only have one face and this is it," Evan said quickly, and Heidi just smiled at him knowingly.

"Your Zoe face! You always have it on when you talk about her, it's cute," Heidi said, and Evan just shook his head in confusion, "you get this look of concentration and your ears go all red. Bit of a giveaway, but it is cute."

Evan looked down at his phone, ears and cheeks red. Heidi just laughed before she started telling a story about her day, and Evan's attention was further from her then it had been when he was distracted by his phone. Whatever his Zoe face was he wasn't messaging or even thinking about her and hadn't all afternoon, despite spending an entire movie sitting on the same sofa as her. Maybe it was his Murphy face.

 

* * *

 

**11:43pm**

**Search:** _i think i like my best friend_  
**Search:** _I think i like my male best friend_  
**Search:** _how to tell if you're not straight_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao things are gonna fall to shit in the next chapter.. Also Connor has a single bed in the show but I gave him a double in this for...reasons. And Larry is obviously a Star Trek fan or knows enough about it in the show, so naturally I made Connor and Zoe Star Wars fans haha. Fuck Larry.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A concept: I update my fic. Sorry, life has been crazy and then I went on vacation for a few weeks! I went to NYC and saw the show a few times and now life is crazy again but its better! The show was everything. I thought seeing it might put me off writing but it makes me want to write more so that's something. Thanks for being you, I love you all.

**12:37am**

**Search:** _erase browser history?_

 

* * *

 

Zoe caught Connor in the bathroom long after he had returned home from walking Evan home. Zoe drove Alana home not long after, and their parents returned from their business lunch in the late afternoon, so Connor had spent the rest of the day lying on his bed mindlessly scrolling through his social media feeds (things were slightly more interesting now he had accepted Jared and Alana's friend requests and re-added Zoe on Facebook.)

"Hey. Where have you been all night?"

"My room. Why?"

"No reason. I took Alana home and you were gone. Is that helping at all?" Zoe asked Connor, who was rubbing her lotion onto his skin after finally showering and riding himself the damp smell off him after getting caught in the downpour.

"I guess. Mom seemed to think so anyway," Connor said, washing his hands in the sink. The mark was seeming to fade, be it from time or the lotion, but he kept up the routine when he remembered. Zoe nodded, then took a breath before speaking.

"What happened in your bedroom with Evan this afternoon?" Zoe said it quickly and made eye contact with Connor who turned around to face her.

"What do you mean?"

"You leant him your clothes," she said, nodding towards Connor's dirty clothes lying at the base of the shower as if he didn't know what clothes were.

"Yeah," Connor replied, drawing out his words like he was speaking to a child, "because it rained and he got wet?" Zoe rolled her eyes and stood up straighter, mirroring Connor who had crossed his arms over his chest.

"And you were...I don't know...you two looked-" Zoe started, looking for the words.

"What are you implying?" Connor asked, his breathing speeding up and getting louder. Zoe took another deep breath before replying.

"Do you- like...Connor, are you-"

"Don't."

"Because if you are yo-"

"I said don't."

Connor wished he had his towel or the lotion or literally anything in his hand so he could throw it at the mirror or at the wall or at Zoe because if he didn't do something to stop her talking she would keep going. Zoe had an uncomfortable pink blush rising in her cheeks but was still standing stiff and straight with her arms crossed.

"Fine. But- you- you know you can always talk to me? Things have been better...things have been better between us at school, and here...you can always talk to me if you need," Zoe said, looking uncomfortable. Connor wanted to throw something at her. 

"Sitting together at lunch doesn't mean anything so don't think you know me. Fuck off."

Zoe took a deep breath then turned on her heel and walked away to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her without a word. Connor knew would feel bad about this later, because they had been getting along better then they had in years and his therapist said how proud he was that they were repairing their relationship. But they were repairing, they weren't repaired, and Zoe couldn't just _ask things like that._

* * *

 

**Sent: 7:34am**  
_**As per usual, Zoe was a complete idiot and told my parents you were here and now Mom wants you to come over for dinner. I told her you were allergic to food but she didn't buy it.** _

 

**Sent: 7:40am**  
_**Maybe I should tell her you exclusively eat gluten?** _

 

**Sent: 7:46am**  
_**To save us both dying of embarrassment in the likely event that my Mom calls your Mom and asks you to come for dinner one night...wanna come for dinner?** _

 

**Received: 11:37am**  
_Sorry, I slept in. Had a lot on my mind last night. Dinner is good._

 

**Sent: 11:39am**  
**_All okay?_ **

 

**Received: 11:42am**  
_Yeah. Why were you up so early anyway?_

 

**Sent: 11:45am**  
_**Forced into visiting my grandparents upstate.** _

 

**Received: 11:47am**  
_The rich ones or the dementia ones?_

 

**Sent: 11:48am**  
_**Dementia. Hoping my Nana doesn't mistake me for a woman this time.** _

 

**Received: 11:52am**  
_In Nana's defence, you are very pretty._

 

**Received: 11:57am**  
_That was a joke and I thought you would have responded by now._

 

**Received: 12:01pm**  
_Not that I'm saying you're not pretty...but you know what I mean. Please respond, oh my God._

 

**Sent: 12:02pm**  
_**I can't believe you think I'm pretty.** _

 

**Received: 12:04pm**  
_Don't get ahead of yourself, I certainly wouldn't mistake you for a girl._

 

**Sent: 12:05pm**  
_**Shame.** _

 

**Sent: 12:07pm**  
_**Okay, that was a joke and I thought YOU would respond by now.** _

 

* * *

 

"This weather is homophobic," Jared declared through a mouthful of ham sandwich mid week, looking up at the sky which was growing darker by the second. He frowned and took another bite of his lunch. The group were sitting on a bench at lunch, wearing jackets and scarves against the cold that had seemed to take a hold of town over the previous weekend.

"What does that even mean?" Evan asked with a sceptical look, leaning across Alana to make eye contact with Jared. Alana was leaning over a textbook with a highlighter in her hand and Zoe was distracted by her phone. Things had been uncomfortable between the siblings but Zoe was trying to act as though nothing had happened. Connor took a different approach and tried ignoring her existence in his life.

"I'm gay and its inconveniencing me," Jared said, and Alana practically snorted. Evan shook his head but laughed, wondering why he even bothered with Jared half the time. Connor shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the end of the bench next to Evan, trying hard to make their contact as minimal as possible.

"What are you even working on Alana?" Jared asked, looking over at Alana who was aggressively highlighting half the page in yellow marker, eyebrows drawn together and head so close to the paper that her nose was almost touching it.

"We have a test in Trig next period, remember? I'm so unprepared. I only did two hours of revision last night, it serves me right," she said, sounding on the verge of panic. Jared's eyes widened and when Alana bent her head back down he mouthed a swear word in Connor and Evan's direction.

"Sorry for distracting you," Zoe said in a falsely sweet voice, bumping her side into Alana's with a cheesy grin. Alana rolled her eyes and place her marker down, fighting off a smile.

"I'll get my payback when you're a senior," Alana said.

"Hot," Jared said with his mouth full of bread and Alana picked up her book and playfully whacked Jared in the side with it.

"Connor, why are you ignoring Mom's messages? Evan, my Mom wants to know if you're allergic to anything before you come for dinner?" Zoe asked, looking up from her phone and across at Evan. Connor had felt his phone vibrate a few times in his pocket but reaching it without having his hand touch Evan's leg or hip or anything would require a lot of effort. Evan shook his head and Zoe nodded, back on her phone.

"I thought you were allergic to peanuts?"

"No. They just make my mouth sting."

"Evan, that sounds like you're allergic."

"...it does, doesn't it? Um, Zoe, I'm allergic to peanuts."

Zoe laughed and nodded again. Jared was staring across at Evan with wide eyes. He took one hand and made his fingers into a 'O' shape and started jamming his index finger into it with all the maturity of a twelve year old, his mouth turned upwards in a slightly psychotic grin. Evan scowled and shook his head. Jared raised his eyebrows and pressed both his index fingers together, and Evan shook his head harder and looked away.

Jared making gay jokes was the last thing he needed to think about. He'd been too busy thinking about Connor and why all he could think about was Connor. This existence was becoming a gay joke.

* * *

 

Zoe's car smelled like strawberries. She had multiple air fresheners hanging from her rear view mirror and an assortment of Disney figurines and souvenir items stuck to the dashboard. The boys threw their bags in the front seat to avoid having to work out who would sit there and both sat in the back, buckling up while Zoe connected her phone with the car speakers. Some indie anthem started playing over the speakers and she pulled out of the parking lot and started driving in the direction of the Murphy's house. Evan was nervously bouncing his leg up and down so quickly and so often that Connor half wanted to reach out and rest his hand on his knee. Instead he caught Evan's attention when Zoe started singing along and offered a small smile, hoping it didn't look strained.

He was feeling nervous too. His parents were painfully present these days and he knew how nervous Evan got around people. If they could escape to his room without any fuss then dinner was all they would have to worry about, though between him and Zoe they could hopefully keep conversation up without it turning into an interrogation of Evan.

Zoe pulled into the driveway at the end of the cul-de-sac and into the garage which led into the house. Zoe went straight in while Connor and Evan took their bags and made their way in slowly. Evan was repeatedly wiping his hands down on his jeans, and Connor could see his fingers shaking.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need a minute?" Connor asked, wanting to take Evan's hand, mostly to stop them shaking. For others reasons too which it really wasn't the time to think about now. Evan wiped his hands down once more, steadying his fingers and tried smiling.

"I'm okay, th-thanks. Doctor- um, Doctor Sherman, he gave me some tips for meeting new people so I'll be okay," Evan said, his breathing quick.

"You don't even need that, you'll be fine. Just be yourself, my Mom will love you. And if you don't have a team just say you go for the Packers and you'll get along fine with my Dad," Connor said, and Evan nodded and they walked into the house.

Mrs Murphy was in the kitchen wearing an apron and standing over the counter slicing vegetables on a board. Mr Murphy was standing at the kitchen bench too, looking up from his phone as the boys walked in. Zoe was already halfway up the stairs.

"There's my boy," Mrs Murphy practically sung as Connor and Evan walked into the kitchen. Mrs Murphy was pretty, and not just for someone her age. She didn't look like either of her children, but would be closer to Zoe then Connor, as she was a similar height to Zoe, and Connor was at least a head taller then her. Her hair was dyed a strawberry blonde colour and was styled neatly to frame her face. Mrs Murphy took her apron off and tossed it onto the counter, revealing a clean white blouse and beige pants. She walked over to them and Connor could feel Evan seize up next to him as Mrs Murphy took his hand and shook it enthusiastically.

"And Evan, you must be Evan! So nice to meet you."

"N-nice to meet you too," Evan managed, as she looked him over, practically smiling ear to ear.

"Please, call me Cynthia. I'm so glad you're here. Larry and I were so pleased to hear Connor was spending so much time with you," Cynthia said, and almost on cue Mr Murphy extended his hand to Evan. He looked more like Connor then Cynthia, he was taller, but the resemblance stopped at their faces; Mr Murphy was dressed in a crisp and clean shirt and trousers, hair combed neatly back. Connor looked a stranger next to his parents, dressed all in black, wearing a shirt at least a size too big, knotted hair covering half of his face.

"Good to have you here, Evan," Larry said, smiling. Evan tried smiling back, resisting the urge to wipe his hands because really they were just sweaty but the Murphy's didn't know that and they would think he was being rude and would tell him to leave and then Connor wouldn't want to talk to him anymore and neither would Zoe or Alana and he would be stuck with Jared for the rest of seni-

_"Evan?"_

"W-What? Sorry- sorry."

Evan blinked quickly and shook himself from his thoughts, the Murphy's all staring at him, Connor with raised eyebrows.

"I said I'm doing eggplant lasagne for dinner Evan, Connor told me you're vegetarian?"

"Oh- oh yes, sorry. I hope- I hope I'm not too much trouble, sorry," Evan said, feeling like he should just eat meat and stop being an inconvenience to himself, to his Mom, to the Murphy's, who would probably never invite him over for dinner again now they knew he had dietary requirements, like he thought they were some kind of restaurant-

"Don't apologize," Cynthia laughed, patting Evan on the shoulder and turning to walk back to the kitchen bench, "I made some snacks for you until dinner."

"You should apologize for making me eat eggplant," Connor muttered, smirking at Evan who laughed quietly. Cynthia frowned at Connor as she took her apron off the counter and slipped it back on over her head. She put on a pair of oven mitts and pulled a tray of cookies from the oven and sat them down on the bench.

"We're gonna go put our bags away, we'll be down in time for dinner," Connor said, walking over and picking up a handful of cookies, hitching his bag up over his shoulder. Cynthia smacked his hand away too late, before offering Evan some. He picked up a single cookie and managed to thank her under his breath.

"You're always in your room Connor, what do you say to playing some ball with your guest?" Larry asked, biting into a cookie and raising his brows hopefully at the boys. Connor opened his mouth to say something, closed it, then opened it again.

_"...play ball?"_

"It will be fun! What do you say, Evan?"

Evan seemed to seize up again but nodded his head, and Larry smiled and clapped his hands, rubbing them together in anticipation. At the bench behind him, Cynthia was also smiling. Evan didn't need to turn and look at Connor to see his frown.

"Great. I'll go dig out the gloves," Larry said, and he walked out of the kitchen. With Cynthia's back turned to them, Evan turned to Connor and mouthed 'sorry' at him; Connor rolled his eyes and took a cookie from his hand and shoved in in Evan's mouth, then laughed and led the way up to his bedroom.

* * *

  
This was entirely Evan's fault, Connor thought, as he pulled his jacket closer against the cold breeze. After a series of apologies from Evan, they had reluctantly followed Larry into the backyard and now stood positioned across the yard underneath the weak afternoon sun that was straining to break through the cloud cover. Across the yard his Dad stood opposite him and Evan was in between them off to the side, each wearing a baseball glove. Larry had hopefully asked Zoe if she wanted to join them in a game, to which she laughed and asked him to shut her door on the way out.

"Do you play any sports Evan?" Larry asked, gently throwing a baseball to Evan, who somehow managed to catch it despite his shaking hands that were fiddling with his glove. He threw to Connor using his good arm. Connor deliberately missed the ball and walked after it, buying some time before his Dad started trying to bond with him too.

"Uh- no, not really. I used to- Mom had me doing um- she had me in mixed martial arts in middle school," Evan said, picking at the edges of his glove as they waited for Connor to return the ball, "but no team sports." Larry nodded and signalled for Connor to throw the ball to him.

"Connor used to play in Little League. Zoe too. You've got a good arm actually- well, good throw anyway," Larry said, pointing at Evan's cast with a joking smile. Evan looked down as though he forgot it was there then nodded, smiling back uncomfortably.

"How did you manage that anyway?" Larry asked, pointing at his arm again, before throwing the ball to Evan.

"Oh I um- I fell- it's actually a funny story, I-"

"I told you last week, he broke it at the state park over summer, remember?" Connor said, and Larry looked up at the sky with a thoughtful expression for a moment before nodding. Evan mouthed a quiet thank you to Connor as he threw the ball to him. Connor caught the ball and weakly threw it to his Dad, who frowned.

"You can do better then that."

Connor frowned back at his Dad as he threw the ball back to Evan who threw it in turn to Connor. Connor threw it back to Larry with little effort, the ball falling short and landing halfway between himself and Larry. Larry walked to the ball and picked it up, tossing it between his hands as he walked back to his position.

"Why are you throwing like a pansy? Put in some effort," Larry said, trying to keep his voice casual. Connor looked sideways at Evan who was still smiling uncomfortably, eyes fixed at the space between Larry and Connor rather then looking at either of them. Connor wished he would look at him, mouth something to him again, throw the ball worse then he had so Larry would get off his back and maybe they could go inside.

"If I put in effort can we go back inside?" Connor said monotone as Larry threw to Evan. Larry sighed and Connor caught the ball from Evan.

"Give it a proper go this time, none of this throwing like a girl nonsense," Larry said, sounding less casual. Connor could feel his face hot against the cold air, could feel it growing hotter as he looked up at Larry and his smug smile. Connor held the ball tightly for a moment before throwing it at Larry with proper force, knowing his face was definitely red when Larry caught it, still smiling that stupid smirk.

"Better," Larry said, tossing the ball from his glove back into his hand and throwing it back at Connor. Connor barely managed to catch it, caught off guard by the change of direction.

"What do you even mean, 'throw like a girl?'" Connor asked, cocking his head to one side in question. He picked the ball up in his bare hand and held it tightly, pushing his fingernails into the leather until pain started to climb up his fingers and into his wrist.

"You're throwing like a girl-"

"Like a girl? Zoe was always a better pitcher then me so that makes no sen-"

"Don't lecture me Connor, you know what I mean- just throw the ball, we're trying to have fun out here-"

"You wouldn't say something like that in front of Zoe-"

"Fine! You're throwing like a pansy! Like a- like a _fag_!" Larry said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He laughed under his breath at Connor not being able to let the topic go and turned to Evan, ready to start a new conversation that didn't end in conflict. Connor's whole body seemed to be on fire now, not just his face, and he pulled back and threw directly at Larry.

Evan jumped in fright as Larry called out in pain, the ball making direct contact with the side of his face. He stumbled backwards but kept his balance, both hands covering his face as blood starting to pour out of his nose. Connor tore his glove off and threw it on the ground more forcefully then he realised. Evan ran over to Larry, hands searching his pockets for a tissue as blood stated to drop down onto Larry's white shirt.

"How does a 'fag' throw, Dad? You seem to have _so_ much insight into the topic - you have my entire life, apparently - maybe you can give some feedback," Connor yelled at Larry as he held his head back, pinching his nose. His voice shook dangerously, not missed by Evan. Connor avoided Evan's eyes and didn't look at either of them as he walked past, hands clenched into fists with his nails digging into his palms. He marched back inside, letting the door slam shut behind him.

"Connor, is that- Connor, is everything okay?" Cynthia asked, appearing in the hallway from the kitchen, the door having startled her. Connor pushed past her and up the stairs. Zoe stuck her head of out her room as Connor stormed down the hallway. She opened her mouth to say something as Connor walked past but he was already at his bedroom, shutting the door behind him with such force that a frame fell from where it was hanging in the hallway.

He heard the door slamming again downstairs and the commotion of Larry and Evan coming inside. He could hear voices, Cynthia calling out from the bathroom where the first aid kit was kept, Larry's low voice answering in short sentences. Connor ran his hands over his face and through his hair. His hair had knotted in the wind outside; he pushed his hands through, fingers catching the knots and pulling out small chunks of hair. He could hear Larry's voice growing louder downstairs.

Connor picked up the closest object to him - a textbook - and threw it at the wall with all the strength he had used in the backyard. It fell to the floor with a loud bang, a fresh dent in the wall above. It had been a while since there was a new one; this time a year ago he was all fists through walls and breaking down doors, but be it the pills or the therapy or the feelings he didn't loose his temper like this anymore. But with his Dad calling him a...a...

Connor threw the next item within reach at the wall, a drink bottle, then a photo frame. He then picked up a glass which he held so tightly it cracked in half and then threw that at the wall too, the glass shattering further and falling to the floor in pieces. Connor stared at the mess then down at his hands that were responsible for it, cuts in the skin where the glass broke, blood pooling in his palms. His hands didn't hurt. They felt hot. His face was still hot.

"Connor?"

Evan's voice at the door. Connor pushed his hair back from his face, and tried answering but his voice came out in little more then a whisper, mouth dry. Evan opened the door and slowly pushed it open, looking around the room to make sure no more objects were flying. His nose and cheeks were pink against his paled face and his shirt had a few drops of blood on the bottom of it.

"Are- are you o- you're bleeding, are you okay? Did you do something?" Evan said, walking over to Connor who looked down at his hands and wiped them against his jeans. He shook his head and Evan looked around the room.

"Your parents are um...they're arguing. Your Mom's angry at your Dad. She said I should go home and come back another night," Evan said, and Connor looked away at Evan's bag where he left it earlier, but Evan didn't move, "you should come."

"What?"

"Come- come stay at my house tonight. My Mom is working the night shift so she won't be home- if you- if you didn't want to be here," Evan said, and they could hear the sound of the Murphy's arguing back and forth downstairs, Zoe's footsteps loud on the stairs as she made her way down.

Evan was good. Too good. Fuck, he was in deep with this boy. He should be running. He should have run. Instead, he turned and picked up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder, then picked up Connor's own bag and hung it from the other. Connor wiped his bleeding hand down as he watched Evan balance himself, then pick up a hoodie discarded at the end of Connor's bed which he handed to Connor.

"We'll have to walk. Mom isn't home which works out well but," Evan pulled the sleeves of his own jacket down to cover his wrists, "we'll have to walk." Connor pulled his jacket on over the one he was already wearing and took his bag from Evan.

"My parents won't let me come with you, I'm going to have to sneak out," Connor said, nodding his head towards the door which his parents and now Zoe's voices were still passing through.

"Yeah, I thought so. What do you think they'll do- do you think they'll ground you? Or more....therapy? Or-" Evan's voice went quiet as Larry's voice downstairs got louder, Zoe's competing against it. Connor let his shoulders rise and fall. It had been a while since something like this had happened. It had been a while _and_ a suicide attempt, so they were in uncharted territory, but he didn't want to find out what the consequences were tonight.

"I don't know. Don't want to. You go through the front door, my Mom is probably getting suspicious. She'll come up and check I haven't murdered you in a minute," Connor said, sliding his phone into his bag, "I can meet you at your house if you want to go ahead."

"No, I'll wait for you! I'll meet you on the corner, near our park, yeah?"

" _Our_ par- yeah, yeah, the park. That's good. I'll climb through the window," Connor said, jerking his head in the direction of the window. Connor's bedroom was on the second level of the house and the closest tree branch was too far for even Evan to climb to safely, not to mention it was too thin to hold someone of his or Connor's weight. Evan eyed the window with his eyebrows drawn together.

"That sounds dangerous."

"Sounds dangerous. And like something I've got a lot of practice with."

"If you say so. If you break your arm I'm not signing your cast though."

* * *

  
Evan was holding his hand.

They weren't holding hands, Evan was simply holding Connor's in his own, wiping it down with a sterile wipe he took from Heidi's large supply of first aid items she had accumulated after years of work at the hospital.

Evan had gone home - declined an offer from all three Murphy's to drive him, insisting Mr Murphy shouldn't drive with a swollen eye - and Connor followed behind, meeting him on the corner at the park as night fell. His parents would work out he wasn't in his bedroom soon enough, and he had left them a note. He hadn't even left them a suicide note when he attempted, so they should be grateful, he had thought as he wrote out the words; 'GONE OUT, DON'T CALL -C.' His phone had a dead battery and they didn't know where Evan lived - Zoe didn't even know - so Connor seemed to think he was safe from facing his family for the night, even if it was going to make things worse down the track.

Evan took Connor into the bathroom and made him sit down on the side of the bathtub, playing nurse and cleaning up Connor's injured hand. It really wasn't anything more then a shallow cut, but Evan needed to do something to keep them from sitting in silence thinking about the nights events.

"You take after your Mom. Thanks," Connor said as Evan stuck a band aid across Connor's hand and stood up to rinse his own hands. Evan smiled.

"You'll regain full use of your hand within...like, a minute. It's fine. I just don't want you bleeding everywhere," Evan said, laughing weakly as Connor stood up and they left the bathroom.

"When do you get your cast off?" Connor asked.

"Mom booked me an appointment for next week so it should be off then. I'll stop looking like your property then," Evan said, holding up his arm to display Connor's large and messy writing that was still the singular name signed.

"Watch the girls line up then," Connor said, jokingly. Evan coughed in response. They walked into the kitchen side by side and Evan stood in front of the fridge.

"Do you- do you want something to eat?" Evan asked. Connor shrugged and Evan opened it up, inspecting the leftovers and pre-packaged options. He closed the fridge and Connor shrugged again.

"I sort of lost my appetite," Connor said and Evan nodded in agreement. With dinner gone, Evan didn't know what to do next. Having friends over was new, hiding friends from their family even more so.

"Um...do you want to- to go upstairs?"

Connor nodded and they went upstairs to Evan's bedroom. Connor stood by the door and placed his bag down on the ground while Evan scratched his head, looking at his bed. When they were younger, Jared had a bunk bed and his Mom always let Evan take the top bunk when he stayed over. That would be really helpful right about now.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want, I can take the couch-" Evan started, but Connor shook his head.

"No, don't worry. I'll sleep on the couch or the floor or whatever," Connor said, not wanting to change Evan's plans for today any more then he already had. Evan looked unsure but nodded and took a seat on his bed, crossing his legs so there was more then enough room for Connor to sit down as well. Connor sat at the other end of the bed and drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees and leaning his head on them, hiding his face from Evan's view.

"Let me know if you want a shower or anything and I'll get you a towel," Evan said, unsure of what else he could say. Connor nodded, hair bouncing around his shoulders, not looking up. Evan didn't move either, just looked at Connor. His entire body was shaking slightly, and Evan knew it wasn't from the cold. Evan uncrossed his legs and moved down his bed so he was sitting next to Connor. He placed his hand on Connor's back but Connor didn't move, so he just watched his hand rise and fall with the unsteady breaths Connor was taking. They sat like that for a few of minutes, Evan uncomfortably aware of where his hand was placed, if it was sweating, had Connor started breathing slower or was he just imagining it- no, he was definitely breathing the same-

"Do you- do you want to- to talk about it?" Evan asked after a few solid minutes, in too deep with his hand on Connor's back and not sure if he should move it away or do something comforting that he knew would help him when he felt like this, like rub circles on his back or get him a glass of cold water. Connor raised his head, eyes puffy from resting them against his knees.

"My Dad- um...he's right," Connor said after a minute, voice coming out rougher then either of them expected, "he's right about- about me." 

"About you?" Evan asked, hand still resting on Connor's back now rising and falling faster then earlier as Connor's breathing started to speed up.

"What he said- _what he called me,_  when we were in the yard. He's right. I can leave if you want me to, I understand-"

" _Leave?_ Why would I want you to-"

"Evan, I'm gay."

He'd never said the words out loud. Physically, they were easy to say, no where to stutter or loose track. But the words felt wrong in his mouth, like when he did presentations in Spanish and Senora Marquez would make notes on her clipboard from the back of the room. They felt like they didn't belong to him, because they shouldn't. Connor stared at Evan's face that seemed permanently flushed, feeling his own start to warm up. After a moment of avoiding eye contact, Evan turned to face Connor.

Doctor Sherman would be proud.

He lowered his hand from Connor's back, and slowly moved his hand across the bed to Connor's, which was resting open. Evan slid his fingers between Connor's, tracing his fingertips down Connor's fingers until their hands were slotted together. And.

Evan was holding his hand.

Connor looked up from their hands to see Evan still looking right at him. They were sitting really close, he hadn't realised that until now because his head had been down. This close he could see that Evan's eyelashes were long, not just for a man but for anyone, and he was surely wearing chap stick because his lips were full and looked wet. That probably wasn't the sort of thing you were supposed to notice about your best friend. Then again, you probably weren't supposed to hold hands with your best friend after telling them you liked boys.

Connor couldn't remember much of what happened next; Evan tried to find appropriate words and got distracted by saying he should have thrown the ball at Larry too. He tried to make Connor laugh but he couldn't hear much over the sound of his breathing. He could remember that Evan didn't let go of his hand for a long time.

* * *

Connor woke up hours later and was so close to the edge of the single mattress that he almost fell onto the floor. He moved his hand around in the dark for Evan's phone and tapped the screen, the backlight filling the space with a dim blue light. Evan was lying behind him, fully dressed with his shoes kicked off at the end of the bed. His head was resting on the on the mattress; he'd pushed both his pillows over to Connor's side of the bed where he had been sleeping on them. His mouth was open, drooling a wet patch onto the mattress.

Connor stood up and Evan shifted behind him, mumbling something in his sleep and adjusting his arm, but remaining asleep. Connor felt his heart do something stupid. He pulled the blanket he had been sleeping on top of over Evan. He was good. Hiding him from his family, cleaning up his cut, not making him leave but instead sitting with him until he passed out. He was too good. And he was in way too deep now. Like the time Zoe pushed him into the pool at the Harris' house the summer before third grade and he couldn't touch the bottom because he was in so deep, but so much worse now because this is _way_ too deep. Connor moved to the door using the light from Evan's phone and picked up his bag, before leaving the room. His heart was doing stupid things, stupid, stupid, stupid-

* * *

  
Evan woke up to sun in his face, having fallen asleep late last night next to Connor, the curtains remaining open and forgotten. Evan blinked, adjusting to the light and looked around his room. Connor wasn't in his bed, or his room. He'd probably gone downstairs to the couch when he woke up and realised they had fallen asleep on the same bed. If he asked, Evan would say they fell asleep at the same time; Connor didn't need to know how long Evan had spent lying next to him after he fell asleep first, contemplating taking the couch and ultimately shifting so close to the other boy that he could smell the apple scented shampoo he used. Evan coughed as though to cover up his thoughts.

Evan reached out for his phone sitting on his bedside table. He tapped the chat bubble reading (3) in the corner of his screen, Zoe's Facebook display picture (her in side profile smiling at someone out of the cameras view, hair in waves framing her face with a yellow flower crown sitting on top of her head.)

 

**Zoe Murphy: Hey, is Connor with you? He left a note saying he was out but the parentals are freaking out because...he's Connor. Thought he might have followed you home or something. Can you let me know please? Sorry you had to witness a Murphy show tonight xo**

 

**Zoe Murphy: Hey if you're with him or spoken to him can you shoot me a message? Sorry to drag you into this but my Mom is worried because its late. Thanks Ev.**

 

They were sent late, by then he and Connor had already fallen asleep. There was another message, sent a only an hour ago.

 

**Zoe Murphy: sorry, ignore my messages. I thought you two might have gone somewhere but he just came home high out of his mind**

 

Evan threw his blanket aside and stood up, speed walking through the house as quietly as he could in case his Mom was already home. He walked to the living room and found the room empty, the couch untouched. Evan opened his chat with Zoe and saw she was still listed as being active online, so typed out a message as quickly as he could.

 

**Evan Hansen: Sorry I just saw this now. He stayed here last night but he must have left while I was asleep. What do you mean he came home high? Is he okay?**

 

**Zoe Murphy: He stayed with you? He came home an hour ago, threw stuff at my parents window and Dad almost called the cops before he realised it was Con. He's really fucked up. I think Mom is with him atm.**

 

**Evan Hansen: I didn't even hear him leave. Sorry. Is he going to be alright?**

 

**Zoe Murphy: Yeah. This used to happen a lot, before he got really bad. I think my Dad set him off last night, he hasn't had a relapse or whatever in a long time. I've gotta run. I'll see you at school?**

 

**Evan Hansen: Yeah. Thanks. And sorry.**

 

**Zoe Murphy: xo**

 

Maybe a few weeks ago that would have given him butterflies.

* * *

 

 

**Received: 6:44am**  
_You left my house in the middle of the night and got high?_

  
**Received: 6:44am**  
_That sounds like I'm mad. I'm not mad, I'm just lost, I thought you didn't do that anymore. Are you okay? Is it my fault that you left? Did I say or do something wrong? I'm sorry if I did. I'm sorry._

**  
Received: 6:44am  
** _I had some things I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to talk about last night but...whatever. Text me when you can. Hope you're okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Larry x 2. This chapter was off. It's weird. BUT the next three sort of chapters are the ones I've been planning and looking forward to for ages so I'm H Y P E. I want work tomorrow to be over already so I can start on them. Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> The rest of the chapters will be much more dialogue heavy then this one, this was just more to establish what lead Connor to attempting suicide. Comments are greatly appreciated, have a great day!


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